Closing the loop

I've been wrapped up in the all-consuming bubble for awhile. It's been hard, ugly, and quite frankly irritating. I've tried to rationalize. I've tried to talk myself up. Tried to busy myself with household tasks, but I always fell back into the hole.

Tuesday night was the worst night I've ever had. 

I had been relatively fine all day. I had my typical aches that I've had, so it wasn't anything new. The aches in my entire chest, ribcage, and back were present but when my mind was elsewhere I didn't notice them at all. 

Then it came out of nowhere. 

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't take a deep breath. I felt the area above my left breast tightening up and my back hurting. Pain radiated all through me. I was fidgety. I was afraid for Ryan to get more than a foot away from me. I was terrified that this was it. I was 100% convinced it was a heart attack because never had my panic attacks been so horrible. I don't think if you've ever had a panic attack you understand that actual fear that comes along with it. I was so scared. So scared that after I took my medicine and it didn't help I freaked out even more. I take half of my prescribed dosage because that's all I need. Yet, this night I needed the entire dosage which is still relatively low.

I was freaking out so much, I called my mom to come over. I also text my cardiologist because I honestly couldn't differentiate between heart attack or panic or attack or if I was just straight up losing my mind. He told me he was on the runaway and would be back in Little Rock and to just calm down and relax. Shortly my mother showed up and Ryan was able to take the kids and play with them so that they wouldn't be stressing me out more. Slowly, after talking to my mom and my medicine beginning to kick in I felt myself relaxing. I felt the pain subsiding. I felt myself being able to take deep breaths and I felt myself returning back to a normal state.

This episode was about 2.5 hours. It was hell. I said a lot of unlady like words and I probably freaked both my mother and Ryan out.

I was checked on later by the doctor who said I could come in on Friday for a full workup on my heart. I was embarrassed that it came to this, but honestly it was a mental block that I had.

Everything weighed so heavily on the fact that I felt "off". My mind completely took over my body and I was expected nothing but the worst at every single second of my day.

I was able to run 3 miles Wednesday and Friday morning with ease. I felt good. I felt confident. I didn't think about my heart, my pains, the "off" feeling. I just felt good. Yet, 30 minutes after it was gone.  I'll spare the details of my actual appointment, but I had a stress test. On ultrasound my heart looked perfect. After 10 minutes on the treadmill, my heart still looked perfect. We talked with Dr. Jones and thankfully he understood. He knew this was just one last little box that I needed to check off in order to get my life back.

I left that office confident. My head was held a little bit higher and I knew that the days ahead of me will be a little brighter. I thank God for the patience that I've received from my husband, parents, and my doctor.

My weekend was good. I asked Ryan yesterday if he thought it was weird that I had felt SO good the past two days? That there was no pain in my body. That I had laughed and smiled more that day that I had in a long time. He said no. He said that he knew that I was fine; I just needed justification elsewhere.

Next Monday I have my first therapy session. I'm looking forward to it. Honestly I sort of feel like I don't need it as good as my days have been, but I'm going. It's clear to me that stress and anxiety ruled my life for nearly two months.

I never in my life thought that I would have struggled with this. I have always been confident, upbeat, outgoing, and always had outlets. Running, working out, and blogging have always been my outlets but none of them helped my situation.

What Ryan went through me shook me to my core. It only came months later when I least expected it. Now, I'm just thankful that I "lost" two months of what could have been good months versus what could have been who knows how long. I'm honestly in a better place mentally and physically. Sometimes you just need that little boost of confidence and you have to figure out where it comes from. For me, it was an ultrasound of my heart to rule out problems and for me to be told what I was going through was justified. I'm sure I will have bumps in the road, but I also know that I have the proof that I am okay. That I have a life to live and it doesn't have to be in fear.

 

Because it's messy.

Having it all together. I like to believe that in my day to day life I've "got it together". If someone were to think of Sarah Davis, I would hope that they saw me as someone who has their ducks in a row and knows what they're doing. However, the last few months have been so hard for me. 

It's a journey. Life that is. You have your peaks and your valleys and while life is currently SO good it's also SO hard for me in many ways. 

I should back up and say that while Ryan was in the hospital I was good. Considering the situation, I truly held it all together. That came straight from the good Lord above and from my natural strength that I think I have. I'm a tough cookie. Self-declared. I give myself props for holding it together as well as I did during those incredibly tough days. Even after the hospital stay, the surgery, and having Ryan home I still was doing well. 

A couple months after Ryan was home my world flipped. Suddenly, things didn't feel right with me. 

I began to anticipate the worst. I feared for everything. I was scared. I was nervous. I was paranoid. I was afraid to sleep. Everything affected me in a negative way. This, mind you, was when Ebola was "it" as was the threat of ISIS (see: election time). I vividly remember sitting up at night waiting for something bad to happen. My bed scared me. The dark scared. I feared closing my eyes for what if someone woke up puking in the middle of the night. It was so tough and I was scared to tell anyone for fear of seeming like I had totally lost my mind. Especially Ryan. I was the tough one. I was the one that had it together, kept it together, and should have able to continue to hold it together, but I was failing. And that? That was more crippling to me than the actual "problems" I was facing. 

I began to lose sleep. I became moody and on edge and looking back now I see it. I still see it. At the time I was simply living in a bubble not believing that I had problems when in fact I did.  Then I began to have heart palpitations. They were terrifying because they happened so often. For three days I dealt with them. The longest I went without one was 10 minutes. I became obsessive about anticipating the next one. I sat with my fingers to my throat waiting for the next skipped beat. It was all consuming. Finally, I contact a cardiologist ( the one who was Ryan's) and he told me it was likely stress related and it should stop. When it didn't on that third day he offered to check me out for an ease of mind. I took him up on the offer and had a (normal) EKG as well as wearing a holter monitor for 48 hours. Once I knew I was going to go see him the next day I relaxed some and the skipping began to subside. On the way I began to feel silly because I wasn't having them nearly as much. That made me realize that maybe he was right. Maybe it was stress related. After talking (and shedding tears) it was decided I was most likely suffering from delayed affects from what happened over the summer. It was hard to accept because I honestly felt like that was all behind us and we were good. I guess I was wrong. I was prescribed anxiety meds to deal with the panic attacks I was having. Which if you've never had one they are hard to understand. I could be watching tv and then suddenly think of something and I instantly couldn't breathe. My vision became blurry, I was hot and sweaty, and my hands became clammy. I would have to immediately get up and go do something to get my mind off it, which was usually flossing. Don't ask me why? I guess it was just a focus and activity that had me focusing on doing something else. I wouldn't tell Ryan when I was having one. I simply would remove myself from the situation and come back after I had composure. 

The palpitations stopped completely and I felt like I was getting back to normal. Little by little. 

Then, I found a lump in my right breast. 

That sent me into a panic overload. I obsessively touched it and would try and find others. I would lay on the floor crying, worrying, telling Ryan to feel this or that and what he thought. It was a very difficult time waiting for my doctors appointment. I continued to have panic attacks. I had horrible chest pains that sent me to urgent care one evening where I had another (normal) EKG. I cried over everything. Everything was hard. Everything hurt. Everything reminded me of what we had went through as a family the months before. I was scared. Scared for my life. Scared for my babies. Scared for my husband. 

All in all I just lived in constant fear. 

I prayed and I prayed a lot. 

I asked for prayers on my behalf and on those nights that I publicly declared I was desperate for prayers I felt them and I felt a peace. But, who wants to be that person who asks constantly? I didn't. But then I learned sometimes we go through seasons of our lives where we need it. We need that support. We need people praying for us on a much more constant basis. And well, I'm currently in that season. 

I had my lump checked out and it was another fibroadenoma. I now have two. 

Getting an ultrasound and having the radiologist look at it eased a lot of fears. I could breathe again. It was a long couple of weeks/months but I'm slowly getting my life back. 

The medicine helped, but it was hard taking it. It still is when I needed it which has become very rare. I don't like feeling like I need something to make me feel normal. To make me relax. To make me realize that need to chill out and enjoy the now. 

I slept 7 hours last night. That's the longest I've slept consecutively in over 3 weeks. I've done some major work on my body. I look bad, I feel bad, and I was robbing my children and husband from quality time. 

I've got a plan now, with help of my husband and parents. My next step is therapy. I want my old self back. I want my normalcy. My positive outlook. My vibrancy. I know she's in there. She's hiding behind boulders scared to come out. Slowly the boulders are being chipped away inch by inch. 

Wyatt prays nightly for me. "To make mommy feel better." It's music to my ears that he prays for me because Lord knows I need them and they are being answered in time. 

So there. There's the open book that I always am. The good, the bad, and the very, very, ugly.

I know I haven't been myself and I know that people who have been around me have seen it. After Bunco night a friend mentioned they noticed I was off. This is why. At a girl's night I cried a few times when I certainly should have been excited and jolly. This is why. 

Priorities... Feeling like the old Sarah. I tell myself and others it's like post-traumatic stress disorder. Maybe, maybe not. Either way I know the last 6 months have been grueling in different way. I hope the next 6 are filled with an abundance of smiles, laughs, and love. And prayers. Lots of prayers.  

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.  Isaiah 55:12

2014

2014. What a year. Doesn't every one say that at year's end? You look back, think about the highs and the lows and vow that next year is going to "be my best year yet!"

Honestly, it's hard to say 2015 is going to be any better than what 2014 produced. I grew more as a wife, mother, and follower of Christ than any other year. Of course, 2014 is going to always be the year that Ryan got sick, but my gosh there is so much GOOD that happened this year.

We celebrated 2 big birthdays this year.

Claire Elizabeth turned one. ONE! We did a "You are My Sunshine" themed birthday and she was surrounded by family and friends that love her so much!

We also celebrated Wyatt Hudson turning 3! He is so in love with laundry that I went with a laundry themed birthday party complete with washing machine birthday cake. He was so excited. Three is such a fun age. Yes, they are complete threenagers, but my gosh they are so funny and they truly get their little personality. By the way, Wyatt's rocks. That along with his southern drawl is almost too much.

 

Easter cuties!

We went to the Ducks Unlimited banquet where Ryan's chapter was award 5 awards. I was SO proud that he was chosen as the Area Chairman for the state of Arkansas. Such a proud wife. He words so hard for the ducks so it's always fun to see it paying off!

The biggest change for me was becoming a runner. I decided right before New Years that I was going to sign up for a half marathon and for some bizarre reason Emma decided to do it with me so we embarked on a running journey. It was so much fun going and doing all the races together!

I even completed not one, but two half marathons! I love the me time and look forward to more races in 2015!

 

I attended some fun concerts- Bruno Mars, Justin Moore, Eric Church, but by far the best was Garth Brooks!

Wyatt attended his first VBS at our church this year! It was so fun getting to hear from him about what he learned that day.


We had kittens this year. We were completely irresponsible and didn't get our cat fixed before she got pregnant so ended up having 5 kittens on our 4th wedding anniversary. What a great present, right?! 8 weeks post-partum Polly got fixed. Never will that happen again. Yikes.

We enjoyed some time on the creek with our friends!!

We had the hardest 32 days of our life. It's easy to let Ryan's illness define us. Define our year. Yet, I don't really want it to. He (we) were so blessed during all this. I don't call it luck and I cringe the few times I have heard it called luck. Luck had nothing to do with it. It was prayers, God's will, and faithfulness that pulled him through it. It still blows my mind that people still come up to us and make comments or ask how he is. Strangers. People who don't know us, but felt the calling to pray for him. It happened today in Chick-fil-A and it still warms my heart. God is good all the time!

We enjoyed time at home. With Daddy. As a family of 4 again.

Halloween was enjoyable. We went with the laundry theme yet again. Wyatt loved it!

I had my 10 year high school reunion and it was so much fun! It is mind blowing that I have been out of high school for that long. I had so much fun seeing all my old classmates together and to get a night out after all we had been through.

We have wrapped up the year with time in Branson, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

2014  has been quite a year.

 

I trust in the Lord more than I ever have. I pray harder for others than I ever have. I have an enormous list of people that I am so thankful were apart of our lives this year. I look forward to 2015 and what it has in store for us as a family. Here's to you 2015!

 

Turning 29

I woke up to Ryan trying to snap a picture of me. It wasn't going to be pretty. At all. I'm a snotty, stopped up mouth breather with puffy eyes. I'm a phlegm spitting, nose blowing newly 29 year old and yet I'm thankful. 

I'm thankful for the husband who was here with me this morning to try and catch the less than stellar beast he woke up to. Or actually, came to wake up since real life happens and the two sickies (me and Wyatt) were sharing a bed while the healthy ones (Ryan and Claire) were on the other side of the house. I'm thankful I had my husband to laugh with as I wrestled away the phone to delete the photo. I'm thankful I had a little boy crying that his daddy wouldn't leave for work, but rather would stay home with him. I'm thankful that although he didn't stay home and take care of us he was here to wish me a happy birthday before jetting off to make Wyatt "some money" and to bring him his $3 home per his request. 

I'm thankful for my two little babies. Who entertain each other while I curl up on the couch wishing away the crummies. Though it may be through screaming and tears I am thankful they enjoy playing together. 

I'm thankful for my parents who are always there for me and go above and beyond for anything I need. I'm thankful for the love they have for my children and the way they light up when they see them. 

I'm thankful for my friends, both real life and those who likely feel like they "know" me via social media. 

I'm blessed with so much at the age of 29. 

And, as a reminder, this email from Baptist came through this morning. 

They will be interviewing us for their #keeponamazing campaign soon and I just hope they use it. We sing constant praises to Baptist. I thank the Lord for placing us there and all the doctors and nurses who helped Ryan. It was perfect timing to receive the email and talk to the lady today. On a day when I'm just thankful to get to be celebrating with love from my family.

Facebook makes your birthday so special. The wishes you receive make your day. Or so I think. You do too even if you don't want to admit it. 

28 was my toughest year. It's obvious why. I nearly lost Ryan. The thought is still painful, but I'm a stronger person entering 29. 

I think I'm wiser, more emotional, and love harder than I ever did before. 

I'm ready to take on this year. To wrap up my twenties with a bang.  Here's to 29!

The Davis kids

My kids are my world. They truly are. I live and breathe to see them happy, smiling, and laughing. 

I also know that sometimes my kids are the very reason I want to poke my eyeballs out. 

 

Now hold on before you go blasting me. Maybe you haven't lived with a 3.5 year old dictator and his sidekick, the nearly 2 year old queen bee. Or so she thinks. We all know who runs the roost around here. Wyatt and Claire are two peas in a pod. 

Most days. 

They are sweet towards each other. Considerate. They share. Wyatt helps Claire out when need be. They are the best of friends. 

Most days. 

But then there are days when they want to do nothing but fight with each other.

It's actually comical because I can pick up on it in the first 30 minutes of our day. They declare war on each other and it typically lasts until nap time. I see the hair pulling (Claire), the biting (Claire), the shoving (Wyatt), and the toy yanking (both) constantly. I have even gone as far as to tell Wyatt "you deal with it" when I have reached my quota of separating. 

But then, I step in because things escalate quickly. I don't recommend that   avenue. 

As a parent you have to know what I am talking about. Right? We've all been there.

Say you know what I am talking about. 

  

Wyatt knows he isn't to take out every toy from all the toy bins, boxes, and baskets. He knows the consequence is he has to pick then all up. By himself. Which is the hardest thing ever because "there's just so many momma". Yah, no kidding kid. 

I was prepping dinner and by the time I was done I came into the living room to this. 

That would be nearly every "piece" of a toy Wyatt and Claire own. You know the tiny toys that have a hundred parts. Yes. I just looked at him and explained he would be the one to put each toy back in their bins. He was so proud so I mentally said whatever and went about sweeping some area of the floor for the seventh time that day. 

Let's just say there are times when arguing with a 3.5 year old is completely pointless. Completely. This was one of those moments. 

I was actually fine with it until he lost his bananas towards me because his mountain of toys became an avalanche.  Somehow that was my fault. Somehow I needed three reminders not to sit on the couch during his nap, nor was I to move his toys while he was taking a nap. 

Yes, sir. 

You never try and rationalize three year old behavior. It will never make sense to you and you will never win. Ever. 

And then there is our little girl. Our sweet little Claire. The little girl who lives to tell me how it is in her little chipmunk voice. 

"No mommy" when I try to hand her the milk that she JUST asked for. "No mommy" when she calls my name to get her out of crib and I stroll in there and try to pick her up. "No mommy" when I open the applesauce pouch she just politely asked please for. 

Some days I just feel like I can't win with that girl.

She is so particular about things. 

The apple didn't fall far from the tree with that one. She's bossy and Ryan loves to remind me that she is my clone. 

Some days are so hard with them. Hard. Like I don't even smoke, but I'm all I need a cigarette break over here. Ha!

Nonetheless they are cool kids. Cool kids that only get cooler with age. 3.5 is a blast. For the most part. Wyatt's just a little boy who loves to share his imagination and get you to laugh. The things that come out of his mouth have me dying. 

Claire is all girl. Sweet, funny, full of energy, and a busy body. She can destroy the house with one granola bar in 10 seconds flat. Impressive if you ask me. A pain in the butt if you ask Ryan. 

They are precious little souls who are growing up entirely too fast. They make me laugh and make me cry (out of frustration). They make me jump with joy and want to hide in my bedroom. 

They make me want to poke my eyeballs out, but they also make life worth living. 

Run for Ryan 5k and Soaring Wings Half Marathon

The Run for Ryan 5k was held a couple weekends ago and we had such a great turnout! Ryan was nervous that it would be awkward. I was brutally honest in reminding him that this race was intended initially to be what would support for our family had he passed away. A memorial. Instead, we were blessed to have Ryan there but most of all healthy. Those who came out to participate and support our family we are so thankful for you guys!! 

I started with a little "carb-loading" prior to the race. 

I'm happy to report that Ryan didn't feel the least bit awkward and it was so nice getting to see so many people that we love in one place. People who prayed constantly for us and then people who just like to run. I feel like the 5k was the last sentence in the chapter we have been writing since July. We are so blessed and again so thankful. 

Not long after we were home from the hospital I decided to sign up for a half marathon. I would have 6 weeks to train if I worked really hard. I have ran one before that and trained weekly for it. For it I was ready. For this one? Not so much. That 5k (3.1 miles) I mentioned earlier was my only "training" you could say. The desire wasn't there to get out and run. It wasn't looking very good, but I kept reminding myself as the day inched closer and closer that I signed up for this race to do something for myself. To have a few hours to myself and to be exercising. 

I loaded up on carbs all week and upped my water intake. I knew I could at least run 3 miles and then walk the rest if I needed to. It would not be easy, but I would be able to finish. 

I arrived and got ready for the race where I bumped into two girls who were just as prepared as I was. See, I am not alone! We hung out until the race started and ended up by the 3:00 pacer. That was my goal to finish under 3 hours. I hoped I could do it, but then I was crushed when my headphones would work. It should be noted I ran my first half without headphones and it was brutal. I tossed them about mile 4 because my phone lost its ever loving mind so I was near panic mode because I knew this time I NEEDED music. Well, after nealy 15 minutes of messing with my phone I finally turned it off and back on an viola, they worked. I was now ready. 

I started to race fine, slower than my usual pace but I knew I was only racing against myself. I ran for nearly 5 miles and then I switched to intervals which I had never done before, but I may be a convert? We will have to see. 

I was told the course was really hilly, but I wasn't that shocked by them and they weren't really that bad. Also it wasn't that hot to me either. Maybe I was just in a daze because it wasn't a "race" to me. I was just out enjoying myself admiring the beautiful real estate. For real, lots of daydreaming about houses and jammin' out to my songs. 

I became emotional three times during the race. The first when I realized why I had chosen to run the 13.1 miles. I wanted time for myself. I had devoted so much time in getting my husband better and back home and now that I was able to breathe and take time for myself this is what I chose to do. Secondly, the first time I saw an "in memory of shirt". I am affected by everyone I see now because although I didn't lose my husband, I feel that pain for them.  Thirdly, at mile 9 where a family had set up in memory of their daughter who had died in a freak accident.  The tears flowed seeing her pretty face and not even knowing what had happened. (Later that night I Google it and learned of her story.) I praised God during my run. Thanking him for the ability to run and thanking him for the blessings he graciously bestowed upon me and my family. 

I finished the race in 2:40. 

17 minutes slower than the one I had trained for. I was pleasantly surprised and hope to run this race again next year, with training and to beat my time. 

It was actually a lot of fun. I wish I could have convinced Emma to run with me because let's face, it's not near as fun running alone. However, I loved the time I had lost in my own thoughts. 

My second half medal! Yay!

Coming down the chute to the finish line!

Now to find another...

Rainbows and butterflies

I like to lay it out all there as best I can and as honestly as possible. I like to think I am pretty successful at this. I also like to think that people can sometimes relate to me and that makes them feel more normal. Or, maybe that's what I keep telling myself to make myself feel normal. Either way, I am an open book so let's turn to another page

Ryan and I are meant for each other. By God's perfect timing he led us to one another, made us fall in love, wed, and produce two precious little nuggets. I think hands down the best compliment I have received since Ryan's ordeal is people telling me how they are so thankful for me being Ryan's wife. Is that vain? Probably so. But, I like knowing that I made a heck of a decision choosing him as a husband and that people agree with me. It also makes me want to recognize husbands and wives as I see fit and let them know that they are truly special and I am so happy that they found each other.

But it's not always rainbows and butterflies.

Lately, meaning post-illness, we have learned to deal with our new normal. When you are so use to having your husband do so much for you and then not be able to do anything at all you begin to carry a lot of weight. Weight that you didn't realize he was carrying all along as well as all "his" typical stuff.

There for awhile I had to do everything. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and at times I struggled to have the grace and patience that he deserved. I said more "bad" words than I care to admit and at times I was downright ugly. But, Ryan was also less than pleasant. He was short, aggravated, tired, annoyed, and stretched to thin between me and the kids. It was a tough couple of weeks post-surgery. I wanted him to do more. I wanted him to get off his butt and fold clothes. I wanted him to get down there and play with our kids. I wanted him to do dishes without asking. I wanted him to do more. He wanted me to complain less. To not ask so much of him. To let his time with our kids be determined by him. He wanted me to back off. We would have great days. The days when we were on the same page and it was nothing but those rainbows and butterflies. Then, we would have the ugly days where we just needed time away, but were prisoners in our own home.

The beautiful thing about marriage is that your goal as a couple is to make your marriage work. To make your spouse happy. To make sure their needs are taken care of. To see that they are respected and most of all feel loved. To work through those tough days.

Ryan and I had our real knock down drag out when he brought me to tears. I had been really patient and bit my tongue a lot during those bad days. The days when I really wanted to say something back about his less than pleasant behavior. I wasn't sure how the aftermath was really affecting him, but I wanted to be cautious and respectful and hoped that as his energy levels picked up that maybe he wouldn't be as irritable as he had been. I gave it a month and he still had a short fuse. I had returned from Walmart when I let the flood gates open. There were a lot of tears on my part and I expressed to Ryan how it hurt that he was less than pleasant towards me. It was all those little tears that I had pushed down because I wanted to be strong. The sad part was he didn't even realize that he was being that way towards me. We talked it out and apologized and since then we have been a lot less snippy towards each other. I will never forget what Dr. Jones told us one morning before we were being discharged. We were eating breakfast and he told us he wanted to say something serious to us about when we got home. He said, "you don't know what she has been through and she doesn't know what you've been through so just keep that in mind when you guys are back at home." It is so true. I have no idea what Ryan went through emotionally or mentally. He doesn't fully grasp what I've went through either. However, we are both respectful of what has happened and we are constantly trying to figure out the boundaries.

Life altering events are just that. Life altering. I look at life so differently for my 28 years. I see Ryan with our kids, loving on them, making them laugh and my heart swells. I cannot wait for the day that they full grasp what a miracle God performed to have their daddy here with them. I try gracefully to remind Ryan that though it is tiresome for him that they want him to do everything when he is home, he needs to do it. They have needs that were not met in the nearly two months that he wasn't able to due to being in the hospital and the recovery of surgery. It's been a struggle and a work in progress. We are constantly improving our relationship, finding out balance, and annoying the crap out of each other. We are blessed to have each other and I believe we are slowly inching back to our regular selves. Now how about more of those rainbows and butterflies?