When all is quiet

It's in those quiet moments, late in the night that get to me most. When the kids are tucked in and he's sound asleep next to one of them that I go tap him on the shoulder and ask if he wants to come to bed. It's the times when all I want to know is if he's safe. If he's okay. If he feels fine. It's when he's gone away for a night or two on a business trip and I end up at my parent's house because I have a need. A need I've semi-masked behind just enjoying an extra sets a hands to help with baths. It's both a need and a fear. A need of having him with me and a fear of being without him. 

I love him more than I realize. Even through the days that I can't stand him, I always want him near me. To know that he's okay. And I'm not that type of person. Not needy. (Ryan's reading this and calling BS). This wasn't an issue before he got sick. In fact, he was spending weeks away from home for work prior to the hospital stay and it was nothing. Harder for me? Yes. I was a single mom during the week and only occasionally did I end up at my parents. Mostly when I had reached the end of my rope with the kids and I needed the break. It worked for us and I knew it was temporary. 

Since then, I hate being by myself at night when Ryan's away. I become short tempered, stressed, and agitated quickly because wondering how he is doing sits in the back of my head constantly. I have no desire to fall asleep. I busy myself with reading, laundry, or Netflix. Actually, this is what I'm doing currently. Trying to be "okay" since I decided to wear my big girl panties and stay at home. With the kids. Without Ryan. And this is what's happened...I've ended up blogging about it. 

I still cry at a moments notice. I still hurt when I think of him and that he's still here. When people ask me, even as we inch toward the one year mark, how he's doing I think I still get awkward in saying he's doing great. It's because I don't want to get all blubbery. It happens and all it results in is my eyes burning from mascara and people probably wishing they hadn't mentioned it. 

Like I said, the one year mark is so close. Even talking to my mom today about it seems impossible. It still seems like a lifetime ago, but like yesterday. He still has a hard time believing it happened and I still occasionally have a hard time remembering that he is fine. And here. With me. Except when he isn't.

I'm trying to have a good relationship with July. Mentally, I have to get there. Right now? Right now I see it as a gloomy cloud hovering between June and August. It will come each year and each year I have to make the choice to be happy. To be thankful. To remember all the good that came out of July. To forget the ugly. To forget that summer night when things went from a dream to a nightmare. To rememeber the good. To remember God's love he so graciously covered us with. To remember that Bunney is here to make me laugh, make me smile, and make me want to punch him in the face at least twice a day. 

 

Here's to staying strong and confident when those babies and Ryan need me most. 

Jack n Back Half Marathon

Well we did it again. We paid money to run with strangers. I only say that because this is the first race that we didn't know anyone. It was a rare occurance! 

Special things happened during this race. I sported my first fanny pack and it's total convenience over fashion. I guess next I'll be needing to get a camelback.

Either way, it worked our beautifully carrying my Rehydrate!

The half was by far the toughest. It's 3.5 miles up a mountain, 3 miles down, turn around and go back the way you came. 

Honestly, I wasn't feeling it at all. That's possibly why Emma and I parted at mile 3 or so. That, and she was wearing her special rocket shoes today- read: her pretty new Brooks. 

I didn't mind though. It was a gorgeous day. I mean seriously the weather could not have been any more perfect-overcast, breezy, in the 60s. This is my ideal running weather. I just plugged along wondering all the time why I do this to myself. 

I prayed a lot during miles 4-5. I remember because it was an easy downhill run. And a lady came running out of the bushes while her friend waited. We all knew what she was doing. 

I prayed for those who immediately pop into my head. Those I remember asking for prayer requests, those I pray for daily, and prayers for myself. 

Then, about mile 6 I remembered a wonderful little thing called Pandora and turned that on. Nothing like some Tom Petty, Lil Jon, Eric Church, and Blink-182 to remind you that you actually do enjoy a little time just you, the outdoors, and some music. 

The course is beautiful. Up and down, up and down with a rolling creek running alongside you. Let me just say now that I love Arkansas. 

Headed up...

Headed down...

Ahhh, beautiful weather!!

And please note the time here:

The race started at 8 on the dot. Thanks for the words of encouragement Bunney!

Like I said, the course was challenging. There were a few flat stretches but for the most part just climbs. It's in the middle of nowhere too with few runners. 

I recommend it to anyone who wants a challenging 13.1 to check off. I think we will do it next year. Emma placed first in her age group! I placed last. There were 4 in mine and even less on Emma's. See, few runners. 

Nonetheless, we earned our bling and are now on the prowl for our next one. 

Sweet number 5, I'm coming for you!

#keeponamazing

I was curious when a 501 number popped up on my phone today. I answered thinking it was a telemarketer, so you can imagine my surprise when I heard Baptist and Marketing Director in the same sentence. 

Imagine even more surprise when campaign, commercial, and conference call were also mentioned a few sentences later. ( Also note the alliteration.) 

I agreed to all on behalf of our family. 

I still am surprised that Ryan's "story" is just that. A story. His story. Our story. Even more, I'm still surprised that it is something people still want to share. 

That we ended up on something like this: 

Hello, heart month!

Throughout our time in the hospital we always heard how "amazing" and "incredible" it was that he survived. That random people who worked in that hospital, and we later encounter in some fashion, knew about Ryan and were shocked to see him alive. It truly never gets old. 

It also never lessens the blow because those emotions are still so fresh, even 9 months later.  

I cry happy tears thinking that he's here today. I cry tears of sorrow thinking of how life could have been.

To this day, I still get asked how he is doing. I still get teary and emotional when I talk more in depth about it all and that, I'm sure, is when people regret asking me in the first place. 

I'm excited about the #keeponamazing campaign at Baptist. I'm hopeful I say the right things, keep it together, and they decide to move forward using Ryan's story. Because, after all, I agree that it is pretty incredible. 

RussVegas Half Marathon

I never thought I would be a runner. I ran a few miles here and there. By a few I mean I ran about a mile and called it good. I would even bump it up by a mile and really think I was rockin' and rollin'. Then, I ran a 5k. Then a few more. And finally, in December of 2013 I talked myself in to signing up for a half marathon. 

And I didn't look back. 

I even got lucky enough to get Emma to say yes and embark on the journey with me. 

We have logged countless miles and I am so thankful for our friendship. 

She finished her first half yesterday with a time of 2:18! It was awesome!

This was my 3rd and I set a personal record at the same time. 

It was a lot of fun but there are also things I always forget until I am actually doing the race. I will share with you because I know you are dying to know. 

1. The butterflies you have waiting in that corral are enough to make you think you have to poop. Is that just me? It's a horrible feeling. Then the paranoia sets in of maybe this isn't nervousness but a real poop. Then, before you know it your speed walking across that start line and you say a little prayer that it IS nerves. 

2. You train running intervals. Guys- people do this. They intentionally run a race this way. Me and Emma are those people. We are faster this way. I shaved 5 minutes off last year's finishing time running intervals. We run for 2 minutes walk for 1, run for 2 walk for 1 until we cross that finish line. So the people who start walking 2 minutes into the race doesn't mean we are slower than you. Or less experiences. Or tried. Or overshot it. It means we run differently than you. So don't say, "you're doing good girls" in a sympathetic tone  or "it's okay to walk if you need to". We know. We know what we are doing and we are confident in how it gets us across that finish line with a 10:25 minute average pace. 

We are interveral runners. We've got this. And we may even beat a few of you. 

3. There comes a moment when your legs go numb and you're just running. This happens between mile 3 and 4 for me. Every single long run. 

4. There also comes a time when I get a pain that's not so much a pain as it is a nuisance. This happened right around mile 6 and my side hurt. I ignored it and it eventually went away. 

5. And the time you want to say screw it and hop off the course. I was feeling done around mile 8. It wasn't fun anymore and knowing the course like the back of my hand I knew I still had so far to go. 

6. I honestly forgot how hard miles 11-13.1 are. To be blunt, they sucked big time. Like I could feel us slowing down a little bit and I looked back and could finally SEE the 2:20 pacer. And to beat 2:23 was my ultimate goal so there was absolutely no way I was letting him pass us. 

7. Then there is THE hill. The overpass on Phoenix that also starts mile 12. It's brutal. But, not for us!! We trained on that overpass for 4 months. We ran it at least twice a weeks sometime 3. This is were we had an advantage. We kicked it up a notch and ran like it was part of or normal training run. 

8. Having people on the course who know you is the best feeling ever. Having people say your NAME is that little boost of confidence you need. I swear it makes a difference. Thank goodness for people on that last mile. 

9. Crossing the finish line is a lot more exciting when you PR. It's a fact. 

10. Lastly, I am grumpy, pissy, hungry, and feeling like I could poop myself at any second after the race. I am not in the best of moods. I am tired. I just want a cheeseburger but not at 10 in the morning. I am happy, but irritable. 

So much goes into a half marathon. 

They are truly a challenge, but also are becoming "just" a half marathon. Which is shocking to say and I feel like a jack wagon because I know people who would love to "just" run a mile. 

I was there once so I'm kinda allowed to say that. 

I look forward to my next half. I'm not sure I'll be shooting for a PR, but I am shooting to add a little more bling. 

Why I chose AdvoCare

I knew Haley sold it. I saw that it worked.  I mean she was a walking billboard for it. I had used the products Spark and Rehydrate but that was the extent of my AdvoCare usage. 

Haley tried to get me to, but I always said no and just continued to get my Spark from her. 

Honestly, I didn't want to lose weight because I didn't really need to and I didn't want to give up sweets. 

There. There's the bombshell. 

I didn't want to give up sweets. 

I'm as honest as the days are long. Ryan says it makes me rude and whatnot, but that's me. I am a no nonsense person and I'm okay with that. 

I'm also a skeptic. 

Even though I saw my best friend have nothing but results. And I took products myself and they did exactly what they told me they would. 

So this winter a friend and I were working out and he mentioned losing weight. I popped off, you should try AdvoCare. 

Um, what? 

I think I was as surprised as anyone that it popped out of my mouth so confidently. 

I told him about it. He looked into it and bought a challenge. 

It was that easy. It was also a regretful moment seeing that could have been my sale had I been a distributor. Ha! 

 

So he bought the challenge and another for someone else to do with him because it is easier (and more fun) to do it with others. 

That other person backed out last minute. 

So, the Sunday before he was to start I volunteered as tribute.

He was likely as shocked as I was, but I wanted him to do well and I honestly knew he need that extra encouragement. 

So we did it. Together. I was only a few days into my cleanse and I signed up to be a distributor.

I saw the difference. I felt the difference and I decided I ultimately wanted to do one thing. Help people feel better about themselves by getting healthy. Or giving them energy. Or maximizing their workouts. Yes, the business part is fun and I'm still learning but it's a new endeavor I am excited about it! (Read: I have a bachelors in Economics and Finance. That's my jam.) 

I see the results my friends are having and I'm like a mother hen beaming with pride when I check in and they tell me how good they feel or the pounds they've lost. 

That alone makes it worth it to me. 

So if you are curious about AdvoCare and the posts I make, just ask. Asking never hurt anyone. And ultimately, I want to help you. 

That time I got my wisdom teeth removed

I'm certain my wisdom teeth came in during college. 

They never bothered me. I just happened to notice them once and then every dentist appointment after that I was asked if they were bothersome. They never were so we just monitored them. 

Then I got pregnant with Claire and those SOBs hurt. Well one did. My bottom left. It was painful. It bled. I had a lot of pressure in my head. Once I had Claire it eased up and was only sporadic. 

Then, I went to the dentist office last fall and he said it was time to get them out. 

If you're wondering if I freaked out, I did. 

But, I put my big girl panties on and I made the appointment. 

I went to the consultation and honestly felt like I didn't get near as much info as I needed. I needed step by step of what was happening as opposed to oh here's your teeth and this is the day they will come out. 

It was scheduled three weeks out and of course I got all panicky about it. 

My appointment was on a Monday in January. I got the stomach bug so I called Friday morning and cancelled. I've never been so lucky to have the stomach bug.

I finally rescheduled over a month later. When I called on a Monday they told me they had an opening the following Monday. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you honestly think I would jump right on that? They must not know me well. I said no, too soon.  We settled for the next next Monday which was earlier this week. 

I had serious anxiety about it all. I did the most logical thing and did extensive research about it all. Googled had me convinced I was making the worst decision ever. 

I agreed. 

The funny thing is I was most nervous about being put under. I've never had any type of surgery so I was freaking out. 

My biggest fear? Not waking up. 

I had convinced myself I could tolerate the pain. 

But choosing to be put under left me scared. 

When I arrived for the appointment I had a nervous stomach and tears in my eyes. I kept telling Ryan to tell the kids I loved them and he kept saying you can when you're finished.

Such an optimistic. 

When they called me back I went into silent mode. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be friendly. I just wanted someone to silently know I was struggling for reassurance and for them to tell me all was okay. 

They got me in the chair and I checked the clock. 8:10. This was it. Before I knew it they stuck a mask on my nose and I began breathing the gas. I noticed myself calming down but then realized I was and began wondering if I needed to breathe through my mouth to stop inhaling it. I didn't want to feel calm. Then I wanted to ask what if I was breathing through my mouth during surgery what would happen. They started the IV and  then I wanted to ask... 

Then I woke up in recovery. With Ryan. 

And I swear two seconds had passed. 

Then I asked to see my teeth because that's logical right?

She was nice enough to retrieve them for me as I decided she was sweet enough that she and the whole office deserved cupcakes. However, I was sad because I knew today was Monday and the cupcakes place was closed. Travesty. 

I got in the car and text my mom. It was 8:42. Ryan took me to get a milkshake and then home. I know we went and saw my mom at her office but I'm not sure why. 

The rest of the morning is a little bit of a blur. I do know I was so thankful that Ryan moved the recline to the living room where I was laid up with gauze in my mouth. I was very desirable at this moment in my life. 

I did survive and it wasn't nearly as horrible as I expected. The Vicodin made me throw up. Twice. But, they called in medicine for that and I was set. I'm 3 days post surgery and feeling ok. I think my mouth is more sore than in pain and I'm just so ready for real food. Pudding, yogurt, applesauce, and mashed potatoes get old quick. 

I should also note how absolutely disgusting the holes in your mouth are. All 4 of my teeth came out. Although, I argued with Ryan that they only took out the bottom. Why would they do that knowing all 4 needed to?? Well, all 4 did. I was wrong. And high. 

Back to the holes. Y'all. Seriously. HOLES.  No one prepared me for that. I don't know what I really expected but certainly not that. And rinsing them out. Dear Lord. I wasn't ready for the junk that comes out. I hope I get more used to it because right now it just makes me queasy. 

Phew. Im happy it's over. I'm ready to be fully recovered and to have no pain or pressure in my head anymore!

5 years is upon us

When I said "I do" nearly 5 years ago I knew a few things to be certain and in my young mind it simply meant I was committing to doing life with one person.

Life was suppose to be rainbows and butterflies because isn't that what every young bride envisions?

No fights. No hard times. No medical issues. 

Nothing. 

Just pure bliss. 

What I learned was that picture perfect life wasn't what was in store for me and Ryan. 

Instead, we dealt with hard times. 

We got pregnant 4 months after we were married. Intentionally. We wanted a baby so desperately and the Lord graciously gave us what we asked of Him. What we didn't realize that the first year of marriage was our hardest one to date. 

On more than one occasion we would fight and ask ourselves and each other why the heck we even got married. It wasn't pretty, but we also never deny it. 

It wasn't the learning to live with each other fights. The he left his facial shavings on the sink fights it was the I set my expectations to high sort of fights. All the while I was growing a baby inside of me wondering how on earth we were supposed to raise a child together when marriage alone seemed so hard. Like I said the first year was so hard and lots of tears were shed. It wasn't until our one year anniversary rolled around that we finally felt on the same page. That's a hard thing to swallow seeing as how your first year of marriage, known as the honeymoon phase, was anything but. But we pushed through and celebrated that first year and were able to look back with a sigh of relief and know that we had made it. 

The following month we welcomed a beautiful baby boy and our marriage was altered again. 

This time for the better. 

We depended on each other more than we ever had. I intentionally wanted no help from friends and family during those first few days because I wanted Ryan and I to fully depend on one another. And we did. We laughed, cried, and I'm sure yelled at each other in fits of frustration but we grew closer during that time. 

When we welcomed a second baby 21 months after that our marriage was tested again.

We each were spreading our love, time, and energy amongst three people. Three people who all had different needs. 

But, we did well. We figured it out. We figured out how to be a family of four and how again, to depend on one another.

The older we've gotten the more we understand one another. He knows my likes, dislikes, and the things that straight up send me over edge. I know what switch to flip in the heat of an argument to really get him going and I also know that in the middle of the worst arguement we could ever have I could say, do you wanna French kiss and just as quickly as I said it the tension would fade and we would be laughing hysterically and the fight would end. 

I'm a passionate, hard headed person. 

He is a calmer, long fuse sort of person. 

But we mesh well. Or so I think. 

We aren't overly lovey dovey. In fact, it weirds me completely out. 

Our way of showing each other love is to make fun of one another. That's just us. 

We get better each and every year.

Friday we celebrate five years of marriage. Five years that were fought for in more ways than one.

I wasn't even sure we would get to celebrate a 5 year anniversary. I clearly remember sitting in the hospital and someone asking us how long we'd been married. When WE said 5 years this coming March it seemed so significant. Like we were getting the chance to celebrate 5 years when at the time it seemed impossible. Ryan being sick made me appreciate him so much more. 

For me, nearly losing him was what I needed to show how much he truly means to me. A life without Ryan didn't seem like a life that was worth living. He was my constant. He is my constant. He is the one person who is the light when my days are dark and he is the person who listened to my deepest fears. 

I am blessed to have my best friend here today. I am blessed that I still get to do life with the perfect person for me. 

We got through Ryan's hard time and the aftermath took its toll on me. Ryan never flaked. Never shrugged me off. Just sat there and let me cry many, many tears out of fear and stress. He saw me at my absolute worst... A panic stricken insomniac who didn't know whether or not the next day would be it. He's heard me say the darkest of things, but loved me through it. He's watched me as my light was anything but shining bright but was also my encourager to get it back. We have dealt with so much in or short marriage. 5 years seems like nothing, but to us it holds so much. 

Love. Fear. Pain. Joy. Laughs. 

I love each day with Ryan even when I hate the mere sight of him. 

I love the two beautiful lives we created even when they stress us out. 

I love knowing my best friend is there for me  day in and day out. 

I love that God loved us first so that we are able to love. 

I love the path that we were set on. Together. While it has been tough at times it has been so fulfilling. So rewarding. So wonderful. 

To the next 5 years- I don't know what is in store for us. Our faith will never waiver, our love will never diminish, and our house will never been clean. 

Bunney is the icing to my cupcake. Let's face it, not many people could deal with this on a daily basis. He's my hero.