Part five: Now or never

Ryan got sick on Saturday morning. I was to start a new job the following Wednesday. Needless to say that did not happen. I was prepared for my last day at TLC to be that Tuesday. I had shed the tears knowing I was going to be returning back to work full time and leaving a job I really enjoyed. I worked at a church at their Mother's Day Out so I taught toddlers three days a week.  Yes they were extremely challenging some days, but my gosh did they love you and love you fiercely. I was leaving a wonderful boss. I was leaving a bunch of sweet ladies and I was no longer going to be working where my kids attended "school". It was definitely bittersweet.

Monday morning, I gained composure enough to type out an email to what was to be my new boss. I explained the situation and  told her my main priority was to my family. To my husband whose future was quite unknown. She was very kind and understanding. She wanted me to come to work for them and even gave me the opportunity to wait a few more days and see if there were any improvements with Ryan and whether or not I would be able to give her an approximate date of when I would be able to start. While thankful, I understood she had a job to do. The university I was to start working at was to have classes start in a little over a month and I knew they needed the position filled as soon as possible do serve the students properly. She sweetly offered the same offer later in the week for a hopeful new start date, and I responded the same. Ryan was my priority. His health, recovery, and rehabilitation at home was the number one thing on my plate. I am thankful for her kindness and patience, but it just wasn't meant to be.

I felt so blessed when my old boss at TLC asked if I wanted my job back. I quickly said yes and felt a complete sense of relief when she told me my job would be there when I was ready to return. Which I hope is after just one more week! We have been so blessed with both our jobs. Ryan's company has gone above and beyond for us. God has blessed us so richly with our employers and we are forever thankful for the outpour of love and support from them.

Tuesday the kids went to school like any other day. They needed that routine still and it would give my mom a break from them. We all know how busy a 3 and 18 mo old are! I got the sweetest pictures of the teacher's kids wearing green shirts in support of Ryan.

A feeding tube was started and Ryan handled it very well. At this point Ryan was believe to have sepsis and they were still hoping that cultures would be produced even though it was becoming more and more unlikely. There were still no answers. At this point we simply started praying for a real problem. We kept thinking that maybe if we knew the problem we could hopefully figure out an answer.

Wednesday I was to head home for the first time. I hadn't really had much sleep because I was constantly in fear that someone would come open the door and deliver bad news like the first night. Yet it never happened. Claire had shots that morning so I decided to come home, take her, and hope to add a little bit of normalcy to their lives if even for a few hours.

As soon as I walked in I was immediately thankful for Haley, Allison, and Erin who had stayed the night with the kids that first night and next day and had my house picked up. I had an overwhelming fear that I would walk in and everything about Ryan would slap me in the face. Or, I would see my house in its typical disarray and simply crumble because not only my house but my future with my husband was a mess.

Thankfully, my dad left immediately after dropping me off, likely knowing that I needed to be alone.

I went to our room where my anxiety was the highest because I expected to see the crumpled sheets how we left them. I was immediately grateful that the girls had made my bed and it looked put together. I went into our bathroom where Ryan's closet was open and I stepped in there.

This is when the devil try to win. He tried to convince me that the time was now. Now was when I needed to pick out what I would be burying my husband in. It's sad, but true. Morbid, but real. I remember touching my favorite shirt, tears streaming, and the overwhelming fear I had at that moment thinking I was going to be a single mom.

Then, God spoke to me and I listened. I wouldn't be burying my husband. I would be bringing him home soon. I shut the other voice out, confidently walked out of that closet knowing Ryan was coming home.

I took a shower letting the comforts of my own home consume me. I had about 30 minutes before my mom would be bringing the kids over so I laid down to catch a nap. I had been running on fumes and it literally felt like 5 seconds of my eyes being closed when I heard the door open and my little one's voices. It was time to put my mommy face on.

I took Claire to get shots while mom kept Wyatt at the house. I was already frazzled, so the last thing I needed was to try and wrangle to two while in a doctors office. As soon as the doctor walked in to Claire's room the first thing he asked was, how's Ryan? It spoke volumes to me. Volumes. Dr. Harrison is a great doctor to our kids, but it meant so much to me for him to ask about my husband.

Claire did well with shots and we went home to get some time in with Wyatt. We played hard and before I knew it was time for naps and time for me to get back to Little Rock. It hurt my heart to have to leave them so quickly, but it was even more painful being away from Ryan.

I got back to the hospital and Dr. Jones let us know that it was now or never for something to happen.

All along we were simply maintaining. Trying to keep Ryan alive with no major hiccups. We had finally, they believed, reached a point where something had to happen.

They were going to do a procedure to find out just how much his heart was pumping. What it's true function was. There was two possible outcomes in the situation...a heart balloon pump or an impella. While it was confusing and overwhelming getting all the info at one point from Dr. Jones after talking to Ryan's nurse Ashley we learned what we wanted was the balloon pump for it was less invasive and would allow us to come back to the CCU versus being moved to the CVICU.

We were told that in the early evening. I think my anxiety was extremely high because this was the first time we were really going to be proactive. Plus, I was horrified of what may they would find out regarding Ryan's EF. In the back of our minds we knew that heart transplant had been mentioned and as bad off as Ryan was it was evidently a possibility.