Part three: Trust

There are things in life that overwhelm you. Moms, I'm talking to you. Think about that first day you're left alone with a newborn. You're pulled in ten different directions at one time, but somehow you survive the day.  This is how it felt that first day in the hospital. At times I wasn't sure if I was coming or going or if this was all just a dream. Our immediate family was there first along with Trey who helped so much getting the word out to all Ryan's friends.  By the late afternoon the waiting room was packed. I so wish I had a picture to show Ryan of how nearly every seat taken in that waiting room was for him. I am so thankful the chaplain suggested to someone to pass around a sheet of paper and have everyone sign it.

I knew Ryan was loved. I know how lovable he is. I know how he can captivate any room he walks into. I know people are naturally drawn to him whether they like it or not. 

I'm just lucky enough to get to do life with him. 

I'm not sure how many people were there that day. I do know the next morning I counted 64 names, but that wasn't even close to the number of people who stopped by for a few minutes and missed the paper. 

That was a testament to how wonderful a person Ryan is. The person who everyone thought was their best friend. Most people meet someone and they simply become an acquaintance. With Ryan, he makes you feel like you are the most important person in the world. Special. He does it so naturally. It's an admirable trait. 

I never once was bothered telling the story of the day's events. If I'm being completely honest, it helped me. The nonstop talking was good for me. I needed my mind occupied. I needed to tell people that they could help me and Ryan by just praying for him. I needed these people more than I probably realized at the time. 

That evening when the last person left for the day I established my ritual that I had every night. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then headed to the chapel. 

That was MY time. The quiet time I had each day to really reflect on what was happening, where God was taking us as a couple and family, and where I shared what I desperately needed from Him. Each night, without shame, I did the ugly cry. Those nights sitting in that chapel were some of the best nights I've had. The calm I felt walking out of there to head to bed is what peacefully led me to fall asleep each night.

The first night was the hardest of course. I couldn't completely turn my mind off and the fact that I had been up for nearly 24 hours didn't seem to matter. I finally drifted off to sleep when I was abruptly awoken around 3:30 with Ryan's nurse stepping in there. As soon as she said "Mrs. Davis" I think I stopped breathing.

She turned on the harsh fluorescent lights and our family who stayed that night in the waiting room poured in as well when she let us know that Ryan was okay, but that he coded once again. They aren't entirely sure why it happened, but thankfully they got his vitals right back to where they were and he even asked to see me. I immediately went back and stayed with him for an hour until I felt comfortable enough to try and fall back asleep.

That would be the last time that Ryan ever coded and would need CPR. Like I said, they aren't sure why it happened, but the fact that they got him back where he needed to be was good.

Nothing else major happened that morning. He was responding well to his meds and was stable.

It wasn't until that afternoon when Dr. Jones came out and we gathered around when he delivered the second biggest blow. They had found that Ryan had numerous blood clots. Later, we would learn they just referred to him as one big clot. The good news in all of this was that Ryan didn't have any in his legs. In the beginning, I was the only one getting to go back and see Ryan, but it was at this point that Dr. Jones told us that we all needed to go back and see him. It honestly felt like it was to be our last goodbyes. Dr. Jones told us that we needed another miracle to happen. Then, he got up and walked out.

It's devastating knowing that you're helpless. There's nothing that you can do other than rely on your faith. I prayed constantly. I had faith that God knew what he was doing and that one day He would show us the why. I never once during this entire ordeal asked why us? Why Ryan? What did we do to deserve it? I simply sat and listened and believed I would soon understand. I was given the perfect opportunity to glorify God in every way. I mean, He had shown us what miracles He can perform when He brought Ryan back. Without hesitation I knew that's what had to be done. I would thank him, along with hundreds of people, for blessing us so far. I would ask that God's will be done whether I agreed with it or not. I trusted Him with every being in my body.

I'm a control freak by nature. It's one of my more prominent flaws and like the others, I am working on it. Sure, I could definitely work harder, but at least I try a little. Shameful? Yes. Easily fixed? Maybe. When you're no longer able to be the one to be in control you have to have a lot of trust. God gave me the opportunity to sit back and let Him take the reigns, just like we should do in every aspect of our lives. Sadly, I think a lot of times we push Him out and think that we can do it all ourselves. We are so wrong. I'm guilty of it, and I know that I am not alone.

So, I trusted Him and He provided. He continues to provide for us each day that we are home with our children and Ryan gets to love on them. He will provide and be there for us as we tackle surgery tomorrow to remove the mass on Ryan's adrenal gland.

He loves us and He walks beside us every step of the way. All we have to do is let Him.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6