Page 64 vs 72

Page number 64. 

That's the page I'm sitting on. Not wanting to move forward, but certainly not wanting to move back. 

I've even married for 5.5 years this month. I've had good, bad, ugly, scary, joyful, and exciting moments during those years. 

I understand the peaks and valleys of a marriage. I understand that when it's good it's good and when it bad, it can be bad. 

Luckily, I've been blessed with more good than bad. But, that doesn't mean that the bad wasn't hard. That the bad wasn't something I'm constantly working on. 

You see, Ryan and I went to watch a movie yesterday. I knew little about it other than its title, who made it, and that it was about prayer. 

I sat in that theatre with tears trickling down my face because I was getting punched in the stomach. It was hitting home and making me uncomfortable. And sad. And desperate. And a hundred more emotions that had me wanting to weep. That had me wishing I had a pause button so I could look at Ryan and spill all the things on my heart. But I didn't have that pause button. 

Instead, I was given a free Sunday afternoon with my other half. A Sunday when our typical go to of Netflix, phones, and other gadgets which allowed us to truly check out were hindered. Gasp- our internet wasn't working. After fiddling with it and calling customer service it was determined we would have to wait until Monday for our beloved entertainment. (And as I type that I realize I need to update my book list.) I suggested we go see War Room so we got ready and headed out. It was on the drive over that we had time alone. Time to talk. Something that was long overdue. 

I think it's easy to get caught up in day to day life. I have expectations of Ryan and he has his own for me. It's not until we begin to take things for granted that  we start to see the negativity creeping in. 

My marriage is so precious to me. I would fight tooth and nail to keep it alive. Watching that movie struck a chord in me and I'm certain I wasn't alone. I sometimes look at myself and I often realize I'm not who I want to be. I'm a constant work in progress. Constantly trying to figure out how to be a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, sister, etc.

but sometimes I fall short. And, that's ok. Each day I get to make the choice to do something and lately I haven't been feeling like I'm putting forth the effort that I should. Do you know who suffers from that? My family. That was a wake up call that I needed. I want to do more and be more. 

Yesterday, I feel like Ryan shuffled over to page 64. (Or that I jumped over to page 72 where he was bookmarked.) We let go of negativity that had been clouding our day to day interactions. Our eyes were opened again that we are a united front. It is me and him against the world. Not me and him against each other. Today, I felt peace. I felt like things were back to where they needed to be. And you know, this isn't the first time this has happened. I'm thinking it won't be the last.  I've found my marriage is cyclical. Where the good far outweighs the "bad", but when that "bad" does slowly creep in it doesn't get too far. We make sure of that. Sometimes it takes a little longer than either of us care to admit, but the fact is we are a team. A team that God is certainly fighting for. And that? That's a good feeling.