Page 64 vs 72

Page number 64. 

That's the page I'm sitting on. Not wanting to move forward, but certainly not wanting to move back. 

I've even married for 5.5 years this month. I've had good, bad, ugly, scary, joyful, and exciting moments during those years. 

I understand the peaks and valleys of a marriage. I understand that when it's good it's good and when it bad, it can be bad. 

Luckily, I've been blessed with more good than bad. But, that doesn't mean that the bad wasn't hard. That the bad wasn't something I'm constantly working on. 

You see, Ryan and I went to watch a movie yesterday. I knew little about it other than its title, who made it, and that it was about prayer. 

I sat in that theatre with tears trickling down my face because I was getting punched in the stomach. It was hitting home and making me uncomfortable. And sad. And desperate. And a hundred more emotions that had me wanting to weep. That had me wishing I had a pause button so I could look at Ryan and spill all the things on my heart. But I didn't have that pause button. 

Instead, I was given a free Sunday afternoon with my other half. A Sunday when our typical go to of Netflix, phones, and other gadgets which allowed us to truly check out were hindered. Gasp- our internet wasn't working. After fiddling with it and calling customer service it was determined we would have to wait until Monday for our beloved entertainment. (And as I type that I realize I need to update my book list.) I suggested we go see War Room so we got ready and headed out. It was on the drive over that we had time alone. Time to talk. Something that was long overdue. 

I think it's easy to get caught up in day to day life. I have expectations of Ryan and he has his own for me. It's not until we begin to take things for granted that  we start to see the negativity creeping in. 

My marriage is so precious to me. I would fight tooth and nail to keep it alive. Watching that movie struck a chord in me and I'm certain I wasn't alone. I sometimes look at myself and I often realize I'm not who I want to be. I'm a constant work in progress. Constantly trying to figure out how to be a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, sister, etc.

but sometimes I fall short. And, that's ok. Each day I get to make the choice to do something and lately I haven't been feeling like I'm putting forth the effort that I should. Do you know who suffers from that? My family. That was a wake up call that I needed. I want to do more and be more. 

Yesterday, I feel like Ryan shuffled over to page 64. (Or that I jumped over to page 72 where he was bookmarked.) We let go of negativity that had been clouding our day to day interactions. Our eyes were opened again that we are a united front. It is me and him against the world. Not me and him against each other. Today, I felt peace. I felt like things were back to where they needed to be. And you know, this isn't the first time this has happened. I'm thinking it won't be the last.  I've found my marriage is cyclical. Where the good far outweighs the "bad", but when that "bad" does slowly creep in it doesn't get too far. We make sure of that. Sometimes it takes a little longer than either of us care to admit, but the fact is we are a team. A team that God is certainly fighting for. And that? That's a good feeling. 

Just call me Suzie

I spend a lot of time at home. 

The end. 

Seriously... 

I spend a lot of time at home. I work "part-part-time". (I just made that up and I think it's going to stick.) Really. 18 hours a week I put in away from my house trying to teach 2.5-3 year olds to say yes and no ma'am versus hey and to teach them cool things that they can share with their parents. My job is fun and it's rewarding. Plus, those kids are hilarious. 

But, back to being at home. A lot. 

Mondays and Wednesday are our days at home. I try and find us stuff to do to get out of the house but the reality is I can't keep us entertained for 8 hours each day. Nope can't even come close. 

I'm fairly certain Ryan thinks I do nothing. Like, nothing all day. He seriously envisions me sitting around all day, texting, Facebooking, watching Pretty Little Liars, or just nothing. That's so far from the truth. I do stuff all day long, there's just never any real proof of it. 

I do at least one load of laundry a day. (And here I am wishing Wyatt was still laundry obsessed. Homeboy kept me out of trouble.) I wash dishes but you can't tell 10 minutes after they're done. Want to know why? Snacks. Oh the snacks. I swear we go through so many snack bowls and cups. I mean I appreciate the fact that they put them in the sink when they're finished, but one day can't we just use the same snack bowl all day? So yah... The dishes never look done. And since we are being honest, sometimes the dishes don't get touched and you know why? It's because I have a 2.5 year old that is a complete and total path of destruction. Markers and coloring time? Sure. We do it every day. But the moment I am not hovering she's up from the table with markers in tow just looking. If she's not doing that she is certainly in the office climbing up the chair trying to get the Hungry, Hungry, Hippos game down which, of course, is a choking hazard and why I then have to go supervise  that. Never mind I haven't even put away all the markers and coloring books that now Wyatt thinks would be fun to color. But then, Wyatt hears us clanking around and decides it's  Candyland that he'd rather play and before I can get it down Claire's decided she is done and wants to pull out the shopping cart. And the toy stroller. And the beanie babies and take them to Walmart. All while I am trying to graciously let Wyatt win the game because today I don't feel like giving the "well you won't always win in life" speech again for the 213th time. Then, I hear Claire crying in the living room because all those couch cushions they got off and pretended were muddy puddles have now gotten in her way and she is ticked off because her and her baby cannot properly get to the store like they intended. Wyatt is right on cue running in demanding "the bear" be on tv when in fact, he is. 

It is now about 8:34 AM. 

This is how our day goes most days. And I love the chaos, but I also cringe because deep down I don't feel like I do anything.

It's one of the sensitive subjects in my marriage. And that's okay. 

I want to be Suzie Homemaker. I really do. I want a spotless house, but happy kids. I want to be the girl who says sorry about the mess, but there isn't a single thing out of place. I want to be the girl who has supper on the table at 5:30 sharp, but I also want to enjoy the few outside hours we get just the 4 of us. I want to be the girl who doesn't feel like I have a million other things to be doing when I choose to read The Three Little Pigs just one more time. 

It's a hard job being a part time stay at home mom. I rarely feel like I'm doing my job well, even though I clock in and bust my behind until I clock out when two little people are snoring. That's just try mom job. There's still my wife job. My job is hard. For me, it's hard. It's hard, but it's rewarding. Nothing... No dishes, not sticky floors, not cluttered tables or living areas will ever make me regret the moments I get to spend with my kiddos. They're only little for a little while and that's what I'm going to let them be...little. Am I alone? Good gracious other mommas please say no.

Making a little (big) decision today

This morning, me and the ole husband found ourselves in a situation. One I don't think we ever would have pictured for ourselves, but one that needed serious addressing. As we were getting dressed thoughts were swirling in my head. How do I mention this? How do I say it without sounding offensive? How do I say it without fear of judgement? Finally, I mustered up the courage to say, "well, are we trying out a different church today?" We had talked about this before, but we never acted on it. I think it was just always something sitting there on the shelf staring at us each week. Today, for a solid 20 minutes we both (probably me more) wrestled with where we would be parking our car this morning. 

Driving through Dardanelle, we still weren't sure. That's a very awkward feeling knowing you're going to church but still not certain where ... Especially when you have a home church. Then, I looked over and saw a church member and I told Ryan, "follow that black car. That's the church we are going to." I'm certain he thought I was crazy picking out a car and just hoping they went to church. But, I knew. I knew where we were headed. As we got closer and closer to the (new to us) church anxiety set it. I was nervous. I asked Ryan if he was nervous and he said yes. In that instance, I felt what so many people must feel when they are "new" to it. It was scary. Even though I am lover of Christ and comfortable with worship and sermons knowing I was walking into a church where I "didn't know anyone", how they preach, the order in which the did anything, so on and so forth it was almost paralyzing. Suddenly, my heart ached for those who want to belong, to feel welcomed, who want a home church where they can grow closer to God but are so afraid. Afraid of what others may think. What others may say. What others may think of them and whether their faith is strong. Silly things to most people within a church already, but my gosh feeling like the outsider today was tough. 

We walked up and immediately felt at ease. We didn't feel like outsiders, but people who belonged.

To spare details, we walked out of those doors with our cups filled. Actually, overflowing. We chatted the entire way to lunch and through it about church, the sermon, the people, nearly every little detail we talked about it. It was incredible. And, it's had me thinking all day about what just happened. How one little decision to follow a car and turn left instead of going straight could have our days looking a little different. I pray that we are lead where God wants us. I pray that we are quiet and listen. What I do know is today was an incredible day in so many ways and I'm yearning for more. 

That time we did a commercial

A couple weeks ago we welcomed a lot of people into our home. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't near as awkward as I assumed it was going to be. 

I was told the circus was coming to town. By circus, I thought 6-7 people. 

Negative.

This was a tiny handful of them. 

Ryan and two friends were filming first at the lake. Y'all, the weather could not have been more perfect. It was cool, overcast, and a perfect setting for a "duck hunt".

Once they wrapped that up they headed to our house to get an idea of where the interview would take place inside our home. It was weird having more than a dozen people in the house going straight to work trying to get their game plan together. They were super nice though. After getting a feel for what would be taking place they said we would all be going to lunch together. Dardanelle doesn't have many places to eat. There is one Mexican restaurant that we use to frequent. So much so, it was the very last restaurant that we ate at the night that Ryan got sick. And, well, we hadn't returned. That was over a year ago. This, of course, is where the crew had decided beforehand to have lunch. It was comical, but we faced our fears!

It was entertaining because they were filming Ryan as we rode there. I think I sat in the back seat with permagrin because it was just comical to me that we were actually even doing this.

As soon as we arrived home from lunch that little "skeleton" crew quickly transformed to the full crew and there was 30 people buzzing around my house doing work. It was pretty cool to see how quickly they can get everything set up.

They moved stuff around to get the best "interview" shot. They also did makeup. My hair was actually on point that day thank goodness. It should be noted that I don't wear a lot of makeup ever. Eyebrow makeup scares the crap out of me, but I will compliment any and everyone's eyebrows that are worthy. (See: eyebrow envy) Well, girlfriend went to work on my eyebrows. And my face. And my eyes. And my lips. Oh my lips. I'm more of a pink, glossy type of girl. That's not what I walked away with. She said she was finished and handed me a mirror to check myself out because we had 2 minutes until we started. I gasped. It was an honest to goodness gasp, and I just told the girl I trusted her. Many times, I trust you. I sat down with Ryan and I could see the pure look of terror on his face. I was panicky and self conscious at this point because I didn't even have time to sneak to the bathroom and get a real look at myself. It wasn't until about 10 minutes into the interview that Ryan looked over and said that it wasn't bad. That he was used to it and that it looked fine...we.shall.see. But, then again, I trust her.

 

Yes, you best believe the first moment I got to sneak away and check myself out I did. And then I took a selfie.

Once they put the mics on us, did the little "action" thingy (you know what I'm talking about...they snap it and it's time to roll...yah, that.) I got nervous and wanted to cry. The interview was a lot harder than I expected it to be. It was emotional for sure, but I definitely expected that. Right off the bat she told me, "tell me about the night Ryan got sick." I immediately went into tears and she went straight to Ryan and said, "tell me about your kids." It is so hard putting into words how you feel to someone you don't know. Answering those questions was one of the most difficult things I've done. I guess because I wanted to portray the right emotions, but it was also the first time I was really talking about it and how I felt in front of Ryan. I almost lost my husband. My very best friend and the father to my two kids. You can't really put into words the hurt and pain that comes with knowing that when you tell someone you love them and they reply with a take care of our babies that that very well could have been the last time you will ever hear their voice. It was a tough couple of hours, but we made it through and I hope it comes out as well.

 

After the sitdown interview it was time for the fun part. The kiddos showed up, we checked makeup and Claire felt like fancy Nancy since she got her some lipgloss too. They were both little peaches and such good listeners! I was a proud momma!

Wyatt referred to the entire crew as "his people". He was in his element.

 

After we did some filming at the house, we all loaded up and headed to the Buffalo.

 

We were back to the skeleton crew and that's who we spent time with. We arrived in Gilbert, AR and ate dinner with them. Wyatt was enteraining.

After dinner we went to the cabins and prepared for the campfire scenes. They put in so much work, and I think they showed our family and our interests well.

We finished up close to 10 with the filming. It had been a long day and we still have stuff to do in the morning. We woke up early and did some more filming. Once we finished filming at the cabins we all went to the Buffalo.

 

We each followed each other and it was just a big caravan. It totally reminded me of Twister.

 

The Buffalo was perfect! We could not have gotten better weather either. The kids did so well in the canoe and we had so much fun just being on the water.

 

We wrapped up the filming and took a group photo. This was the skeleton crew I told you about.

They sent us some of the photos this weekend and they are beautiful! I look forward to sharing once the campaign starts. From the looks of it, I feel like they truly captured our family.

We got loaded up in the car and started the right home, when we both looked at each other and just knew we were exhausted. Ryan said, "Bunney, I could never make it in Hollywood." I died laughing because he was right. It was exhausting and we didn't really do that much. We are so happy that we got to share our story and look forward to October and sharing with others!