The Davis kids

My kids are my world. They truly are. I live and breathe to see them happy, smiling, and laughing. 

I also know that sometimes my kids are the very reason I want to poke my eyeballs out. 

 

Now hold on before you go blasting me. Maybe you haven't lived with a 3.5 year old dictator and his sidekick, the nearly 2 year old queen bee. Or so she thinks. We all know who runs the roost around here. Wyatt and Claire are two peas in a pod. 

Most days. 

They are sweet towards each other. Considerate. They share. Wyatt helps Claire out when need be. They are the best of friends. 

Most days. 

But then there are days when they want to do nothing but fight with each other.

It's actually comical because I can pick up on it in the first 30 minutes of our day. They declare war on each other and it typically lasts until nap time. I see the hair pulling (Claire), the biting (Claire), the shoving (Wyatt), and the toy yanking (both) constantly. I have even gone as far as to tell Wyatt "you deal with it" when I have reached my quota of separating. 

But then, I step in because things escalate quickly. I don't recommend that   avenue. 

As a parent you have to know what I am talking about. Right? We've all been there.

Say you know what I am talking about. 

  

Wyatt knows he isn't to take out every toy from all the toy bins, boxes, and baskets. He knows the consequence is he has to pick then all up. By himself. Which is the hardest thing ever because "there's just so many momma". Yah, no kidding kid. 

I was prepping dinner and by the time I was done I came into the living room to this. 

That would be nearly every "piece" of a toy Wyatt and Claire own. You know the tiny toys that have a hundred parts. Yes. I just looked at him and explained he would be the one to put each toy back in their bins. He was so proud so I mentally said whatever and went about sweeping some area of the floor for the seventh time that day. 

Let's just say there are times when arguing with a 3.5 year old is completely pointless. Completely. This was one of those moments. 

I was actually fine with it until he lost his bananas towards me because his mountain of toys became an avalanche.  Somehow that was my fault. Somehow I needed three reminders not to sit on the couch during his nap, nor was I to move his toys while he was taking a nap. 

Yes, sir. 

You never try and rationalize three year old behavior. It will never make sense to you and you will never win. Ever. 

And then there is our little girl. Our sweet little Claire. The little girl who lives to tell me how it is in her little chipmunk voice. 

"No mommy" when I try to hand her the milk that she JUST asked for. "No mommy" when she calls my name to get her out of crib and I stroll in there and try to pick her up. "No mommy" when I open the applesauce pouch she just politely asked please for. 

Some days I just feel like I can't win with that girl.

She is so particular about things. 

The apple didn't fall far from the tree with that one. She's bossy and Ryan loves to remind me that she is my clone. 

Some days are so hard with them. Hard. Like I don't even smoke, but I'm all I need a cigarette break over here. Ha!

Nonetheless they are cool kids. Cool kids that only get cooler with age. 3.5 is a blast. For the most part. Wyatt's just a little boy who loves to share his imagination and get you to laugh. The things that come out of his mouth have me dying. 

Claire is all girl. Sweet, funny, full of energy, and a busy body. She can destroy the house with one granola bar in 10 seconds flat. Impressive if you ask me. A pain in the butt if you ask Ryan. 

They are precious little souls who are growing up entirely too fast. They make me laugh and make me cry (out of frustration). They make me jump with joy and want to hide in my bedroom. 

They make me want to poke my eyeballs out, but they also make life worth living. 

Run for Ryan 5k and Soaring Wings Half Marathon

The Run for Ryan 5k was held a couple weekends ago and we had such a great turnout! Ryan was nervous that it would be awkward. I was brutally honest in reminding him that this race was intended initially to be what would support for our family had he passed away. A memorial. Instead, we were blessed to have Ryan there but most of all healthy. Those who came out to participate and support our family we are so thankful for you guys!! 

I started with a little "carb-loading" prior to the race. 

I'm happy to report that Ryan didn't feel the least bit awkward and it was so nice getting to see so many people that we love in one place. People who prayed constantly for us and then people who just like to run. I feel like the 5k was the last sentence in the chapter we have been writing since July. We are so blessed and again so thankful. 

Not long after we were home from the hospital I decided to sign up for a half marathon. I would have 6 weeks to train if I worked really hard. I have ran one before that and trained weekly for it. For it I was ready. For this one? Not so much. That 5k (3.1 miles) I mentioned earlier was my only "training" you could say. The desire wasn't there to get out and run. It wasn't looking very good, but I kept reminding myself as the day inched closer and closer that I signed up for this race to do something for myself. To have a few hours to myself and to be exercising. 

I loaded up on carbs all week and upped my water intake. I knew I could at least run 3 miles and then walk the rest if I needed to. It would not be easy, but I would be able to finish. 

I arrived and got ready for the race where I bumped into two girls who were just as prepared as I was. See, I am not alone! We hung out until the race started and ended up by the 3:00 pacer. That was my goal to finish under 3 hours. I hoped I could do it, but then I was crushed when my headphones would work. It should be noted I ran my first half without headphones and it was brutal. I tossed them about mile 4 because my phone lost its ever loving mind so I was near panic mode because I knew this time I NEEDED music. Well, after nealy 15 minutes of messing with my phone I finally turned it off and back on an viola, they worked. I was now ready. 

I started to race fine, slower than my usual pace but I knew I was only racing against myself. I ran for nearly 5 miles and then I switched to intervals which I had never done before, but I may be a convert? We will have to see. 

I was told the course was really hilly, but I wasn't that shocked by them and they weren't really that bad. Also it wasn't that hot to me either. Maybe I was just in a daze because it wasn't a "race" to me. I was just out enjoying myself admiring the beautiful real estate. For real, lots of daydreaming about houses and jammin' out to my songs. 

I became emotional three times during the race. The first when I realized why I had chosen to run the 13.1 miles. I wanted time for myself. I had devoted so much time in getting my husband better and back home and now that I was able to breathe and take time for myself this is what I chose to do. Secondly, the first time I saw an "in memory of shirt". I am affected by everyone I see now because although I didn't lose my husband, I feel that pain for them.  Thirdly, at mile 9 where a family had set up in memory of their daughter who had died in a freak accident.  The tears flowed seeing her pretty face and not even knowing what had happened. (Later that night I Google it and learned of her story.) I praised God during my run. Thanking him for the ability to run and thanking him for the blessings he graciously bestowed upon me and my family. 

I finished the race in 2:40. 

17 minutes slower than the one I had trained for. I was pleasantly surprised and hope to run this race again next year, with training and to beat my time. 

It was actually a lot of fun. I wish I could have convinced Emma to run with me because let's face, it's not near as fun running alone. However, I loved the time I had lost in my own thoughts. 

My second half medal! Yay!

Coming down the chute to the finish line!

Now to find another...

Rainbows and butterflies

I like to lay it out all there as best I can and as honestly as possible. I like to think I am pretty successful at this. I also like to think that people can sometimes relate to me and that makes them feel more normal. Or, maybe that's what I keep telling myself to make myself feel normal. Either way, I am an open book so let's turn to another page

Ryan and I are meant for each other. By God's perfect timing he led us to one another, made us fall in love, wed, and produce two precious little nuggets. I think hands down the best compliment I have received since Ryan's ordeal is people telling me how they are so thankful for me being Ryan's wife. Is that vain? Probably so. But, I like knowing that I made a heck of a decision choosing him as a husband and that people agree with me. It also makes me want to recognize husbands and wives as I see fit and let them know that they are truly special and I am so happy that they found each other.

But it's not always rainbows and butterflies.

Lately, meaning post-illness, we have learned to deal with our new normal. When you are so use to having your husband do so much for you and then not be able to do anything at all you begin to carry a lot of weight. Weight that you didn't realize he was carrying all along as well as all "his" typical stuff.

There for awhile I had to do everything. It was emotionally draining, physically exhausting, and at times I struggled to have the grace and patience that he deserved. I said more "bad" words than I care to admit and at times I was downright ugly. But, Ryan was also less than pleasant. He was short, aggravated, tired, annoyed, and stretched to thin between me and the kids. It was a tough couple of weeks post-surgery. I wanted him to do more. I wanted him to get off his butt and fold clothes. I wanted him to get down there and play with our kids. I wanted him to do dishes without asking. I wanted him to do more. He wanted me to complain less. To not ask so much of him. To let his time with our kids be determined by him. He wanted me to back off. We would have great days. The days when we were on the same page and it was nothing but those rainbows and butterflies. Then, we would have the ugly days where we just needed time away, but were prisoners in our own home.

The beautiful thing about marriage is that your goal as a couple is to make your marriage work. To make your spouse happy. To make sure their needs are taken care of. To see that they are respected and most of all feel loved. To work through those tough days.

Ryan and I had our real knock down drag out when he brought me to tears. I had been really patient and bit my tongue a lot during those bad days. The days when I really wanted to say something back about his less than pleasant behavior. I wasn't sure how the aftermath was really affecting him, but I wanted to be cautious and respectful and hoped that as his energy levels picked up that maybe he wouldn't be as irritable as he had been. I gave it a month and he still had a short fuse. I had returned from Walmart when I let the flood gates open. There were a lot of tears on my part and I expressed to Ryan how it hurt that he was less than pleasant towards me. It was all those little tears that I had pushed down because I wanted to be strong. The sad part was he didn't even realize that he was being that way towards me. We talked it out and apologized and since then we have been a lot less snippy towards each other. I will never forget what Dr. Jones told us one morning before we were being discharged. We were eating breakfast and he told us he wanted to say something serious to us about when we got home. He said, "you don't know what she has been through and she doesn't know what you've been through so just keep that in mind when you guys are back at home." It is so true. I have no idea what Ryan went through emotionally or mentally. He doesn't fully grasp what I've went through either. However, we are both respectful of what has happened and we are constantly trying to figure out the boundaries.

Life altering events are just that. Life altering. I look at life so differently for my 28 years. I see Ryan with our kids, loving on them, making them laugh and my heart swells. I cannot wait for the day that they full grasp what a miracle God performed to have their daddy here with them. I try gracefully to remind Ryan that though it is tiresome for him that they want him to do everything when he is home, he needs to do it. They have needs that were not met in the nearly two months that he wasn't able to due to being in the hospital and the recovery of surgery. It's been a struggle and a work in progress. We are constantly improving our relationship, finding out balance, and annoying the crap out of each other. We are blessed to have each other and I believe we are slowly inching back to our regular selves. Now how about more of those rainbows and butterflies?

Part eleven: Wrapping it up

Being back home was so good. Ryan was weak, but having him back at home, resting on the couch, eating normal food was great. Our kids were happy. I was happy. Ryan was happy.

We knew that we Ryan would have to have surgery, but first a PET/CT scan of the adrenal mass would have to be done.  We went in the following Monday to get the scan done and waiting for the results a few days later.

We had just finished the scan here and you can just see how much better Ryan looked! Now we just needed to wait.

 

On the way home from the scan I let Ryan drive the last few miles. I loved being able to help him feel normal, but I can honestly say that now I know what all you parents feel like when you let your 14 year old with a permit drive. Yikes. He did fine, but I was a nervous wreck.

 

We continued on with normal life. Our kids started back to their little school a few days a week and Ryan got a special surprise from the Atlanta Braves. The autograph baseball was everything to him! It was pretty cool. The lesson here? Wake up and firmly believe you are somewhere else.

The scan came back Thursday and the only thing that lit up was the mass. If it happened to be cancer, which would only be known once it came out, it at least hadn't spread. There was nothing else in the full body scan that would be a cause for concern. This is when they began to seriously think that the adrenal mass had caused everything. The surgeon's nurse called the same day we got the scan results to set up an appointment. We automatically assumed that it would be a few weeks for the mass to come out, but when she said we needed to come in that next day for our pre-surgery appointment because surgery was set for next Tuesday. To say we were a little surprised was an understatement. Nonetheless we were ready! We headed down there Friday and did the pre-op stuff. We both left feeling comfortable about the surgery. Their biggest concern was Ryan being on a blood thinner and bleeding becoming an issue. They plan was for it to be a laparoscopic surgery, but if for some reason bleeding became an issue he would have to cut him open and quickly get the mass out. They switched him from a blood thinner pill to a shot which I was fortunate enough to get to do. Now, we just sat back and waited for surgery day to arrive. We passed time swimming at my parents, hanging at the house and going to church!

Tuesday arrived and I was extremely nervous. Ryan was as cool as a cucumber. He just kept saying that God had brought him through all that, why wouldn't He carry him through this. Yes, I agreed. But geez, someone needed to be at least a bit concerned! Let's just say I was less than pleasant that morning on the way. I bit Ryan's head off I don't know how many times, but finally confessed that I was just stressed out.

Ryan's friend made these. I loved it. There were lots of prayers going up for Ryan on this day.

 

We arrived and were taken back into a family room. I think they were scared we would take over the entire waiting room again. Ha! We all got to hang out until about an hour before Ryan was to be back in pre-op. Once they called us back, Ryan and I went back and I sat with him for nearly an hour before they were minutes from wheeling him back. I was nervous, still, but prayed constantly. Ryan, still, was just as chill as he could be and this was before they gave him any medicine. They were to start surgery at 1, but they actually didn't start until 2.

 

I knew that surgery was to last an hour, but I was knew that Dr. Kim was extremely thorough and would likely take a little longer. I was fine that first hour, but then I noticed myself watching the clock. About 3:30 Dr. Jones text me and asked if he was out yet? I said we hadn't heard anything and he said he was go check and them come see us. By 3:40 the man at the front desk said they were finished and that a couple of us could come to the room so they could meet with us. Me and my MIL went to the little consultation room. I'm not sure who was more nervous. I know both of our hearts were pounding and we felt like we couldn't breath. What felt like an hour, but more like 10 minutes, Dr. Kim popped around and smiled a big smile saying that everything was perfect and that he had done so well. Ryan's heartrate and blood pressure never missed a beat and his lost maybe a teaspoon of blood. Praise God! The mass was a little bigger than what they thought, but it can out so cleanly. They would be bringing him to recovery soon and as soon as they did I would be able to go back and see him.

 

I got to see him a short while later and he was so out of it. I stayed a short time and they said once they had a room ready they would let me know.

 

At 6 they moved Ryan to his room where we would stay just one night. He was in a lot of pain that night and definitely put his nurse to work. He realized the goodness of morphine, but the horridness of being on a liquid diet!

 

The next morning we were waiting for discharge and I caught him snoozing sitting straight up. See, morphine. Ha.

We knew that the mass would be sent to pathology to determine whether or not it was cancer. We got home and Ryan recovered there. He was still in some pain, but it wasn't anything that his pain meds couldn't take care of.

 

We received word on the mass.

 

Pheochromocytoma.

 

An extremely rare adrenal tumor that wasn't cancer! We were so relieved! Now, Ryan just needed to fully recover. 

He quickly got back in the saddle at work. I think it was a week and a half and he was in the office for a few hours. 

 

We are truly getting our lives back on track. It seems crazy that two months have already passed. We are certainly blessed. We've loved having Ryan back home and feeling like ourselves. Our sweet kiddos are growing so quickly. 

We were fortunate enough to have a follow up echo, which was perfectly normal, and then dinner with Dr. Jones and his wife. It was so nice to get to have conversations outside of the hospital walls with the man I feel like we owe Ryan's life to. He will forever hold a very special place in our hearts. Pun intended. 

So here we are... Happy and healthy. 

Claire's got big shoes to fill. Her daddy has touched so many lives of those around us. Her daddy is loved by lots of people and someday I hope her and Wyatt are able to fully appreciate the kind, loving man that Ryan is. 

On the last note, I hope you will all join us for a fun run on October 11th!!! If you could only imagine the pure joy it will give me to see all of you amazing people in one place at one time!!

Part ten: Rehab, cardboard testimonies, and home bound

Rehab was such a good time. It was time to really work on going home. They told us that we should expect to be there 7-10 days. Ryan had his mind set that it would be 7. I continued to remind him that he needed to be realistic and just take it a day at a time.

They worked him pretty good. He had therapy for 3 hours a day split between morning and afternoon sessions. When he needed dialysis he would miss his afternoon session. He only needed 2 sessions while he was in rehab. His kidney's continue to constantly improve and it was such an answer to our prayer. His creatinine levels were steadily coming down.

The kids enjoyed another visit with their daddy that Saturday. That was our routine to visit on Saturdays. They just became more and more comfortable around their daddy and Ryan felt so much better getting to hold them.

We just waited for the days to pass really. I joined Ryan in therapy watching his improvement. The days were long and boring, but we knew with each passing one we were that much closer to being back in our own beds!

 

Our church did cardboard testimonies during this time. They are powerful. If you have never seen this, I suggest you youtube them immediately. They are so moving and those are from complete strangers. I was asked if we could do ours. Normally, the person walks on stage and holds their sign showing the front and back. It is their testimony. The way God worked in their lives. Of course we wouldn't be able to do that, so we took pictures. Here is ours:

I was hoping that it would work out that I would be home to attend church that day. I had been spending my Sunday morning at Pleasant Valley Church of Christ in Little Rock, but I desperately wanted to be back at our home. I headed home late that Saturday night so that I could make it. I am so happy that I did. 10,000 Reasons is the one song I played on repeat while in the hospital. As soon as it starts the tears come. We sang it this past Sunday in church and the tears were there. They played this song during the testimonies. That, along with everyone showing the way God worked in their lives was so overwhelming. My heart hurt, but was so happy. These people had gone through the toughest times of their lives. From the loss of children, addictions, to crumbling marriages it was all there. People you would never expect it from, but people brave enough to share their deepest struggles and how they trusted God and he led them back. He took care of them just as he did Ryan. Ours was the very last testimony. It was so hard to see, but also so right. God had carried. He was still healing Ryan's body. Never leaving us. I know that He held Ryan's hand throughout this entire ordeal. There is no way that Ryan would have made it if we didn't have the faith that the good Lord would pull him through and heal him.

 

That was truly one of the most incredible days I have witnessed. The love was flowing for all of us that day.

 

Here are our sweet blessings napping before heading out again. Our neighbors took such good care of us during this time. I think everyone and their grandma wanted to mow our yard. We are so blessed to live in such a great little neighborhood!

 

Back at rehab, Ryan was continuing to kick butt and take names. He was done with the Friday we arrived. They checked in on Monday and Tuesday and they were still coming down so on Tuesday they removed the line where they did dialysis. Mind you, I was terrified because we all know what happened the last time they pulled a line. Luckily, the Abbotts were visiting while they were doing this so they kept my mind occupied out in the hallway. Everything went perfectly fine and we just knew that the next step was discharge!

August 13, 32 days after being admitted to the hospital Ryan received his Freedom Flag. Yes, they seriously give you a Freedom Flag when you leave. It was hilarious.

 

Ryan was in rehab for only 7 days. Just as he said he would be. We gathered up our stuff first thing Wednesday morning because we knew today was the day. I am pretty sure we were sitting there waiting for discharge papers by 7:00. We. Were. Ready.

Can you tell he was pretty happy to be leaving?

Seeing him walk out those doors was awesome. I didn't even cry either! It was such a happy moment knowing that a month ago if you told me he would be doing this I would have looked at you with complete skepticism. But, here we were. GOING HOME!

It was so nice being on that road headed back to Dardanelle. Ryan hated my driving, but I told him I was capable. H was just paranoid. Granted, he hadn't been in a car in a month.

 

We arrived home safe and sound and just let them babies love on their daddy back in their normal environment. It was glorious and we continued to sing praises to God for reuniting our family!

We knew that we had two final hurdles to complete- the adrenal mass and our kidney function continuing to return to normal. After all we had been through we felt like those two were going to be a piece of cake.

Part nine: While on the floor

We welcomed our new "home" with open arms. I guess we were so relieved to be out of the CCU because it only meant that we were getting better and were one step closer to going home. I was so happy that now I would be able to sleep in the same room as Ryan. I had a pretty sweet setup involving a 5'4" couch/cushion to sleep on. Thank goodness I'm 5'3".

As I was settling in our new room I slipped into the bathroom and did my thing. When I came out, Ryan had a grin and said, I haven't heard that in a long time. A toilet flush. One thing most of us take for granted. I guess I never thought of all those little necessities that Ryan missed out on. Wait. Yes, I did. Ryan had the typical hospital smell. I hated it. I still do. I would constantly tell him I couldn't wait until we were home and we could wash all of that off of him. It was a painful reminder of all those days I spent next to him while he lay there lifeless. It was the reminder that my husband, while right next to me, was still so far away. I even confessed to him that every time I left him I kissed him, but it wasn't without holding my breath.

Nonetheless, while on the floor Ryan was expected to be very independent. He was to do things on his own and he would occasionally see a nurse, mostly to give medicine. Otherwise we would see LPNs, aides, and housekeepers. I will spare you the details of the floor nurses, but lets just say that there is a vast difference in CCU nurses and floor nurses.

 

Independence for Ryan meant work for me. When you are 32 and 28 you never expect to be a "caretaker" for your significant other. Ryan and I took our relationship to an entirely new level. Simply put, I took care of my husband.

 

When we said I do, I vowed before God, my family, and friends to be there in sickness and health  and for better or worse. I did the unthinkable of cleaning up after my husband when he used the bathroom and bathed him from head to toe in the shower. He often apologized for not being able to do anything for himself and requiring so much assistance. I told him, this is my job Ryan. This is what I signed up for. And it was. Granted, you don't expect to do these things so young. When we are elderly sure. At our age now you have so much pride. You don't want to be helpless and have your spouse doing the unthinkable. What we did learn is that I could never be a dental hygienist. Ryan asked me one night to floss his teeth. No big deal, I mean I had already done all the potty business with him, how bad could helping with his dental stuff be. I nearly threw up. I finished, but it wasn't before asking Ryan to never, ever, under any circumstance to ask me to do that for him again. And I don't think he ever will. He say how much it physically hurt me. The point here is I could have turned away from my husband. Had the nurses who are paid to do this stuff help him, but I didn't. Ryan is my responsibility. I want him to always trust me and to know that I am always there for him, yucky teeth and all.

 

Nothing major happened while on the floor. We were there for one week and one day and all we saw Ryan do was get better. Two new doctors were brought in, the surgeon and the endocrinologist. They would be the ones handling the removal of the mass.

 

I was more comfortable going and seeing the kids every few days so it was nice feeling so "able".

Our kids came back to visit that Saturday again and they were much more comfortable being around Ryan. The loved on him and enjoyed playing with his bed. They only folded him up a couple times!

Ryan quickly began to look like his old self. His voice was slowly getting back to normal. He had dialysis every other day because they were still waiting for his kidney function to improve. His creatinine level were improving, but dialysis was still needed that often. We just prayed and prayed for his kidneys to pick up. He was producing urine, but the filtering just wasn't happening.

Before we knew it, they said that we would be moving to rehab. Our time in room 920 quickly came to an end.

 

In the early morning of August 6, we were up and ready to be moved to BRI (Baptist Rehabilitation Institute) by 6:00am. We were so ready. We knew that our next step after this was home and it was looking better every day.

 

Ryan was ready. We had been told that they were definitely going to push Ryan over there. Makes sense considering their main goal is to get you out of there.

On our way to the last chapter of our hospital stay!

We got to BRI and were welcomed by a big, private room. We were lucky enough to get a private room where I would be able to have my own hospital bed to stay in.

 

I know this part of our story is what you could call uneventful. Ryan's body was healing. We had nothing but good days. Ryan had a lot of visitors to pass the time and we are so thankful  for everyone who came and spent time with him and brought him food.

 

It's wild to me that we are so close to the end of the story already. Well, the end of  "the story". Ryan's story and the impact he had on people is what's still his story today. That's the fun part I can't wait to share.

Part eight: Leaving CCU

Ryan did so well coming off the vent. He still had a cannula that supplied him with a tiny bit of oxygen and I considered it a safety blanket. It was so good having Ryan back with me and talking to me. I spent a lot of Monday evening explaining what happened. We had a lot of deep talks about our faith, God's plan, our babies, etc.

 

We had so much catching up to do, but first and foremost I really had to tell Ryan what happened. The last thing that he remembered was going to the chocolate festival fundraiser with Haley and Payton, Trey and Emma, and the kids. After that, nothing. I went through the entire scenario up until this point. Some times were harder than others to get through. The hardest part was when Ryan realized he may have never gotten the chance to tell our kids goodbye. It was a physical pain I felt when he said that because it was true. You go to bed each evening expecting to wake each morning. You never expect to leave this world abruptly, but it happens. It happens to all walks of life. Rich, poor, in a good place in life, in a bad place. You just never know. You can only lead your life in the most Godly way possible. Let people see your light. It was hard hearing Ryan tell me he was sorry. Sorry for what he put me through, sorry that he nearly left me a widow and a single mom. That's Ryan's nature. Always apologetic and always thinking about others before himself.

 

We got through the story and he went off to bed for the evening. I thanked God over and over again for his blessings and turned in myself.

 

Tuesday was a good day up until that evening. They were going to pull the line out where Ryan had been receiving dialysis. It wasn't anything unusual. They do it all the time in fact. Ask any nurse. Ryan's nurse Ashley pulled the line, held pressure, and everything was fine. She asked a respiratory therapist who was walking by to give her a hand and as she came in to put gloves on Ashley looked towards her and heard Ryan say "help me". A second later when she looked down at him he immediately went blue. Ashley started giving him oxygen as quickly as she could. Ryan was 100% awake and aware during this ordeal. He had thrown a clot that went directly to his lungs cutting off his air. Ryan was ultimately fine, but it was so scary especially to him and his nurse. I was so thankful that I had walked away for a little while during all of this. When I returned I immediately felt something was off and as I pulled back the curtain I caught eyes with Ashley and she said, Sarah, Ryan is fine. I have to talk to this doctor, but he is fine now. They ended up calling the doctor when it happened and he helped via the monitors in Ryan's room. They then told Ryan's pulmonologist  and she was there immediately. They said it happened maybe 10% of the time when the pull lines. She assured us that it wouldn't happen again, but still it was so scary knowing that Ryan had another Quinton on the other side of his neck that would have to be removed someday.

 

Ryan was fine. It scared him pretty good, but all in all the best place for that to have happened was right where he was.

 

We spent lots of time together hand in hand. Whenever Ryan would fall asleep, I would occasionally slip my hand away to do something. When Ryan would wake slightly and realize he wasn't holding my hand he would go searching for it. It was the sweetest thing and still makes my heart flutter thinking about it.

Ryan was pretty confused those first few days. He was convinved his was in Atlanta, Georgia. It was comical. Ryan knew that he was there because we were watching the Braves play baseball. I loved it. Dr. Pevahouse asked him lots of questions. His birthday, my birthday, the kids, etc. He asked who the governor was once and Ryan sat up so confidently and said Mike Huckabee. He just knew. I giggled and said, not who you want it to be, but who it actually is. Then he replied with Beebe. It was funny. It took him a few days to realize that he wasn't in ATL, but he wasn't too devastated.

They checked on the blood clots in his body and learned that he didn't have any in his legs, which was what they feared and learned that the ones in his arms were slowly dissolving. The doctors felt like he was strong enough to get a MRI so they did that. This is when they found a mass on his adrenal gland. There were lots of questions that were still unanswered, but we hoped that maybe this mass could give us an answer.

The next couple of days were just filled with hanging out with Ryan bedside. Answering any questions that he had and clearing up any confusion. Now that Ryan was awake I didn't want to miss one second with him. I missed the babies terribly, but I knew that Mimi and Nana were taking care of them. They even got a special treat when Mrs. Brooke got to keep them for a day. Wyatt doing laundry and Claire's life being complete getting to spend it with her beloved.

 

Ryan started physical therapy 4 days after the pulled everything off. It was brutal to watch. I knew that they were pushing Ryan to get him strong but it was so stressful to watch. He hadn't been out of bed for nearly 2 weeks. His body lost all muscle mass. He was nothing but bones. It wore him out to lift himself up and turn over, but they had him getting up and out of bed. After that first session I decided PT wasn't something I was really into watching. Nonetheless Ryan did so amazing. He had the will to excel. He wanted to show them what he had and he definitely delivered.

 

Dr. Jones and Dr. Pevahouse were so thoughtful when it came to our children. They really wanted Ryan to be able to see them because it had been 2 weeks since Ryan had.

 

 Saturday, July 26 the doctors and nurse said we could bring them into CCU. You have to be 14 to be in the waiting room for the critical care unit, much less back there where the actual unit was. I had mom and dad bring them up that day. Once they arrived I held Claire in my arms and Wyatt's hand and we ran through CCU into Ryan's room and shut the sliding glass door. They were finally reunited with their daddy! If you think they went rushing into his arms you are very wrong. They were intimidated. They were holding a little bit of a grudge towards him. They were overwhelmed by everything that was going on. I had told Ryan before hand not to be upset if they didn't want anything to do with him. It's their age and there was just a lot going on...new place, new things, etc. They finally warmed up a little bit. Wyatt just had a million questions, mostly "Are you still siiiick?"

When I told Wyatt to give daddy a hug he walked down to Ryan's feet, laid his head down on them, and said this is good for right now. His wasn't completely comfortable, as is evident in the pictures.

 

 

Their little Run for Ryan shirts slayed me! This was exactly what they needed and Ryan too. He fought long and hard for this two precious babies and I think it did him a world of good to get his hands on them.

 

Monday, I braved going home and staying the night with Wyatt and Claire. It was the first time I would be staying the night away from Ryan and while I was nervous I knew it had to happen. The kids were so tired of being away from home. They longed for their own beds as much as I did.

 

On any typical night, Ryan and I actually bicker over whose night it is to give the kids a bath. Point blank, it's just something neither of us enjoy. Yet, this night I welcomed it. I had missed giving those nugget's their bath so much. Longed for our normalcy. I let them stay in that bath tub and play as long as they wanted. I took my sweet time brushing their teeth and tucking them into bed. It was so wonderful loving on my babies and my head being there with them rather than being clouded by wondering whether or not their daddy needed me.

 

 

 

 

This did my heart good.

 

 

Monday when I got back to Ryan I decided to do something different for us. We were going to have some fun. Well, as much fun as you can have in a Coronary Care Unit. I rented us a movie and we were going to have date night! Nothing like keeping the spice, right?

 

Earlier in the week they had mentioned moving us to another floor because there was no real reason as to why Ryan needed to stay in CCU. We were nervous, but knew that it had to be done. Dr. Jones said we wouldn't be moving until they had a room open that was no more than 2 doors down from the nurses station. On Friday they told us we would be staying in CCU over the weekend just as a precaution. That, and I don't think they were quite ready to say goodbye to Ryan.

 

During our date, nurse Steve came and told us that we were getting kicked out. We had a room and would be moving tonight.

 

After 16 days we were going to say goodbye to this room. The room that had seen so many tears. The room that heard so many prayers and the room that had watched those prayers being answered. CCU 14 is the room that I saw my husband completely lifeless, but it was also a room that a true miracle was performed in. By the grace of God we were moving on to better things together.