This is our's crazy, it's hectic, but most of all it's fun!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Closing the loop

I've been wrapped up in the all-consuming bubble for awhile. It's been hard, ugly, and quite frankly irritating. I've tried to rationalize. I've tried to talk myself up. Tried to busy myself with household tasks, but I always fell back into the hole.

Tuesday night was the worst night I've ever had. 

I had been relatively fine all day. I had my typical aches that I've had, so it wasn't anything new. The aches in my entire chest, ribcage, and back were present but when my mind was elsewhere I didn't notice them at all. 

Then it came out of nowhere. 

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't take a deep breath. I felt the area above my left breast tightening up and my back hurting. Pain radiated all through me. I was fidgety. I was afraid for Ryan to get more than a foot away from me. I was terrified that this was it. I was 100% convinced it was a heart attack because never had my panic attacks been so horrible. I don't think if you've ever had a panic attack you understand that actual fear that comes along with it. I was so scared. So scared that after I took my medicine and it didn't help I freaked out even more. I take half of my prescribed dosage because that's all I need. Yet, this night I needed the entire dosage which is still relatively low.

I was freaking out so much, I called my mom to come over. I also text my cardiologist because I honestly couldn't differentiate between heart attack or panic or attack or if I was just straight up losing my mind. He told me he was on the runaway and would be back in Little Rock and to just calm down and relax. Shortly my mother showed up and Ryan was able to take the kids and play with them so that they wouldn't be stressing me out more. Slowly, after talking to my mom and my medicine beginning to kick in I felt myself relaxing. I felt the pain subsiding. I felt myself being able to take deep breaths and I felt myself returning back to a normal state.

This episode was about 2.5 hours. It was hell. I said a lot of unlady like words and I probably freaked both my mother and Ryan out.

I was checked on later by the doctor who said I could come in on Friday for a full workup on my heart. I was embarrassed that it came to this, but honestly it was a mental block that I had.

Everything weighed so heavily on the fact that I felt "off". My mind completely took over my body and I was expected nothing but the worst at every single second of my day.

I was able to run 3 miles Wednesday and Friday morning with ease. I felt good. I felt confident. I didn't think about my heart, my pains, the "off" feeling. I just felt good. Yet, 30 minutes after it was gone.  I'll spare the details of my actual appointment, but I had a stress test. On ultrasound my heart looked perfect. After 10 minutes on the treadmill, my heart still looked perfect. We talked with Dr. Jones and thankfully he understood. He knew this was just one last little box that I needed to check off in order to get my life back.

I left that office confident. My head was held a little bit higher and I knew that the days ahead of me will be a little brighter. I thank God for the patience that I've received from my husband, parents, and my doctor.

My weekend was good. I asked Ryan yesterday if he thought it was weird that I had felt SO good the past two days? That there was no pain in my body. That I had laughed and smiled more that day that I had in a long time. He said no. He said that he knew that I was fine; I just needed justification elsewhere.

Next Monday I have my first therapy session. I'm looking forward to it. Honestly I sort of feel like I don't need it as good as my days have been, but I'm going. It's clear to me that stress and anxiety ruled my life for nearly two months.

I never in my life thought that I would have struggled with this. I have always been confident, upbeat, outgoing, and always had outlets. Running, working out, and blogging have always been my outlets but none of them helped my situation.

What Ryan went through me shook me to my core. It only came months later when I least expected it. Now, I'm just thankful that I "lost" two months of what could have been good months versus what could have been who knows how long. I'm honestly in a better place mentally and physically. Sometimes you just need that little boost of confidence and you have to figure out where it comes from. For me, it was an ultrasound of my heart to rule out problems and for me to be told what I was going through was justified. I'm sure I will have bumps in the road, but I also know that I have the proof that I am okay. That I have a life to live and it doesn't have to be in fear.


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