My fever is high

Here we are just cruising through life living with a 4 and 2.5 year old when life seems fulfilled. When I don't even see the phantom baby in our family pictures. When I have wiped my house clean of anything the resembles that a baby was once a thing in our house. No high chairs, no cribs, no pacis. Just two little, okay one, self sufficent kid and one who is on the brink of getting the potty training thing down. Then? Then we have actual kids and not babies. And that? That seems like we should have a party. 

However, my uterus thinks otherwise. It hit out nowhere really. Ok, to be honest it hit at TLC when a fresh baby boy was sitting in my arms reminding of how tiny they are. It hit again next to the onions in the grocery store when I held a month old baby girl. The simple reminder of how quickly they grow into toddlers and then kids and then teenagers. Yikes. I held that baby quickly realizing that we had decided to shut the baby factory down. To throw up the closed sign and never look back. It didn't take much, living with the other female in this house. Her name is Claire, but on those rare occasions we see Blaire. And Blaire ain't pretty. If you're fortunate enough to spend time with Blaire you pretty much understand our decision to let her be the baby in the family and to not pursue one more pregnancy. 

It's hard deciding when to be done having babies. When to forever turn off the oven and never look back. How do you moms decide? Do you still see the phantom baby that plagued me forever? Do you just have a set number that you've agreed on and that's it? No more, no less. Do you leave it up to fate? 

I can't even handle the videos of Wyatt and Claire as babies. Their little selves crawling and pulling up. Rocking them to sleep. Feeding them and burping them. Swaddling them. I've got baby fever and it's high. I need a baby. I think. I know a sweet baby girl coming in September and I cannot wait to hold her and tell her mom to go take a nap while I just marvel is the sweet deliciousness that is a newborn baby. 

Someone send help. Ryan's going to want to kick me out of the house if I start the baby chatter up or I keep crying telling him to watch just one more video of the kids when they were younger. 

But for real, y'all...

When all is quiet

It's in those quiet moments, late in the night that get to me most. When the kids are tucked in and he's sound asleep next to one of them that I go tap him on the shoulder and ask if he wants to come to bed. It's the times when all I want to know is if he's safe. If he's okay. If he feels fine. It's when he's gone away for a night or two on a business trip and I end up at my parent's house because I have a need. A need I've semi-masked behind just enjoying an extra sets a hands to help with baths. It's both a need and a fear. A need of having him with me and a fear of being without him. 

I love him more than I realize. Even through the days that I can't stand him, I always want him near me. To know that he's okay. And I'm not that type of person. Not needy. (Ryan's reading this and calling BS). This wasn't an issue before he got sick. In fact, he was spending weeks away from home for work prior to the hospital stay and it was nothing. Harder for me? Yes. I was a single mom during the week and only occasionally did I end up at my parents. Mostly when I had reached the end of my rope with the kids and I needed the break. It worked for us and I knew it was temporary. 

Since then, I hate being by myself at night when Ryan's away. I become short tempered, stressed, and agitated quickly because wondering how he is doing sits in the back of my head constantly. I have no desire to fall asleep. I busy myself with reading, laundry, or Netflix. Actually, this is what I'm doing currently. Trying to be "okay" since I decided to wear my big girl panties and stay at home. With the kids. Without Ryan. And this is what's happened...I've ended up blogging about it. 

I still cry at a moments notice. I still hurt when I think of him and that he's still here. When people ask me, even as we inch toward the one year mark, how he's doing I think I still get awkward in saying he's doing great. It's because I don't want to get all blubbery. It happens and all it results in is my eyes burning from mascara and people probably wishing they hadn't mentioned it. 

Like I said, the one year mark is so close. Even talking to my mom today about it seems impossible. It still seems like a lifetime ago, but like yesterday. He still has a hard time believing it happened and I still occasionally have a hard time remembering that he is fine. And here. With me. Except when he isn't.

I'm trying to have a good relationship with July. Mentally, I have to get there. Right now? Right now I see it as a gloomy cloud hovering between June and August. It will come each year and each year I have to make the choice to be happy. To be thankful. To remember all the good that came out of July. To forget the ugly. To forget that summer night when things went from a dream to a nightmare. To rememeber the good. To remember God's love he so graciously covered us with. To remember that Bunney is here to make me laugh, make me smile, and make me want to punch him in the face at least twice a day. 

 

Here's to staying strong and confident when those babies and Ryan need me most. 

Jack n Back Half Marathon

Well we did it again. We paid money to run with strangers. I only say that because this is the first race that we didn't know anyone. It was a rare occurance! 

Special things happened during this race. I sported my first fanny pack and it's total convenience over fashion. I guess next I'll be needing to get a camelback.

Either way, it worked our beautifully carrying my Rehydrate!

The half was by far the toughest. It's 3.5 miles up a mountain, 3 miles down, turn around and go back the way you came. 

Honestly, I wasn't feeling it at all. That's possibly why Emma and I parted at mile 3 or so. That, and she was wearing her special rocket shoes today- read: her pretty new Brooks. 

I didn't mind though. It was a gorgeous day. I mean seriously the weather could not have been any more perfect-overcast, breezy, in the 60s. This is my ideal running weather. I just plugged along wondering all the time why I do this to myself. 

I prayed a lot during miles 4-5. I remember because it was an easy downhill run. And a lady came running out of the bushes while her friend waited. We all knew what she was doing. 

I prayed for those who immediately pop into my head. Those I remember asking for prayer requests, those I pray for daily, and prayers for myself. 

Then, about mile 6 I remembered a wonderful little thing called Pandora and turned that on. Nothing like some Tom Petty, Lil Jon, Eric Church, and Blink-182 to remind you that you actually do enjoy a little time just you, the outdoors, and some music. 

The course is beautiful. Up and down, up and down with a rolling creek running alongside you. Let me just say now that I love Arkansas. 

Headed up...

Headed down...

Ahhh, beautiful weather!!

And please note the time here:

The race started at 8 on the dot. Thanks for the words of encouragement Bunney!

Like I said, the course was challenging. There were a few flat stretches but for the most part just climbs. It's in the middle of nowhere too with few runners. 

I recommend it to anyone who wants a challenging 13.1 to check off. I think we will do it next year. Emma placed first in her age group! I placed last. There were 4 in mine and even less on Emma's. See, few runners. 

Nonetheless, we earned our bling and are now on the prowl for our next one. 

Sweet number 5, I'm coming for you!

#keeponamazing

I was curious when a 501 number popped up on my phone today. I answered thinking it was a telemarketer, so you can imagine my surprise when I heard Baptist and Marketing Director in the same sentence. 

Imagine even more surprise when campaign, commercial, and conference call were also mentioned a few sentences later. ( Also note the alliteration.) 

I agreed to all on behalf of our family. 

I still am surprised that Ryan's "story" is just that. A story. His story. Our story. Even more, I'm still surprised that it is something people still want to share. 

That we ended up on something like this: 

Hello, heart month!

Throughout our time in the hospital we always heard how "amazing" and "incredible" it was that he survived. That random people who worked in that hospital, and we later encounter in some fashion, knew about Ryan and were shocked to see him alive. It truly never gets old. 

It also never lessens the blow because those emotions are still so fresh, even 9 months later.  

I cry happy tears thinking that he's here today. I cry tears of sorrow thinking of how life could have been.

To this day, I still get asked how he is doing. I still get teary and emotional when I talk more in depth about it all and that, I'm sure, is when people regret asking me in the first place. 

I'm excited about the #keeponamazing campaign at Baptist. I'm hopeful I say the right things, keep it together, and they decide to move forward using Ryan's story. Because, after all, I agree that it is pretty incredible. 

RussVegas Half Marathon

I never thought I would be a runner. I ran a few miles here and there. By a few I mean I ran about a mile and called it good. I would even bump it up by a mile and really think I was rockin' and rollin'. Then, I ran a 5k. Then a few more. And finally, in December of 2013 I talked myself in to signing up for a half marathon. 

And I didn't look back. 

I even got lucky enough to get Emma to say yes and embark on the journey with me. 

We have logged countless miles and I am so thankful for our friendship. 

She finished her first half yesterday with a time of 2:18! It was awesome!

This was my 3rd and I set a personal record at the same time. 

It was a lot of fun but there are also things I always forget until I am actually doing the race. I will share with you because I know you are dying to know. 

1. The butterflies you have waiting in that corral are enough to make you think you have to poop. Is that just me? It's a horrible feeling. Then the paranoia sets in of maybe this isn't nervousness but a real poop. Then, before you know it your speed walking across that start line and you say a little prayer that it IS nerves. 

2. You train running intervals. Guys- people do this. They intentionally run a race this way. Me and Emma are those people. We are faster this way. I shaved 5 minutes off last year's finishing time running intervals. We run for 2 minutes walk for 1, run for 2 walk for 1 until we cross that finish line. So the people who start walking 2 minutes into the race doesn't mean we are slower than you. Or less experiences. Or tried. Or overshot it. It means we run differently than you. So don't say, "you're doing good girls" in a sympathetic tone  or "it's okay to walk if you need to". We know. We know what we are doing and we are confident in how it gets us across that finish line with a 10:25 minute average pace. 

We are interveral runners. We've got this. And we may even beat a few of you. 

3. There comes a moment when your legs go numb and you're just running. This happens between mile 3 and 4 for me. Every single long run. 

4. There also comes a time when I get a pain that's not so much a pain as it is a nuisance. This happened right around mile 6 and my side hurt. I ignored it and it eventually went away. 

5. And the time you want to say screw it and hop off the course. I was feeling done around mile 8. It wasn't fun anymore and knowing the course like the back of my hand I knew I still had so far to go. 

6. I honestly forgot how hard miles 11-13.1 are. To be blunt, they sucked big time. Like I could feel us slowing down a little bit and I looked back and could finally SEE the 2:20 pacer. And to beat 2:23 was my ultimate goal so there was absolutely no way I was letting him pass us. 

7. Then there is THE hill. The overpass on Phoenix that also starts mile 12. It's brutal. But, not for us!! We trained on that overpass for 4 months. We ran it at least twice a weeks sometime 3. This is were we had an advantage. We kicked it up a notch and ran like it was part of or normal training run. 

8. Having people on the course who know you is the best feeling ever. Having people say your NAME is that little boost of confidence you need. I swear it makes a difference. Thank goodness for people on that last mile. 

9. Crossing the finish line is a lot more exciting when you PR. It's a fact. 

10. Lastly, I am grumpy, pissy, hungry, and feeling like I could poop myself at any second after the race. I am not in the best of moods. I am tired. I just want a cheeseburger but not at 10 in the morning. I am happy, but irritable. 

So much goes into a half marathon. 

They are truly a challenge, but also are becoming "just" a half marathon. Which is shocking to say and I feel like a jack wagon because I know people who would love to "just" run a mile. 

I was there once so I'm kinda allowed to say that. 

I look forward to my next half. I'm not sure I'll be shooting for a PR, but I am shooting to add a little more bling. 

Why I chose AdvoCare

I knew Haley sold it. I saw that it worked.  I mean she was a walking billboard for it. I had used the products Spark and Rehydrate but that was the extent of my AdvoCare usage. 

Haley tried to get me to, but I always said no and just continued to get my Spark from her. 

Honestly, I didn't want to lose weight because I didn't really need to and I didn't want to give up sweets. 

There. There's the bombshell. 

I didn't want to give up sweets. 

I'm as honest as the days are long. Ryan says it makes me rude and whatnot, but that's me. I am a no nonsense person and I'm okay with that. 

I'm also a skeptic. 

Even though I saw my best friend have nothing but results. And I took products myself and they did exactly what they told me they would. 

So this winter a friend and I were working out and he mentioned losing weight. I popped off, you should try AdvoCare. 

Um, what? 

I think I was as surprised as anyone that it popped out of my mouth so confidently. 

I told him about it. He looked into it and bought a challenge. 

It was that easy. It was also a regretful moment seeing that could have been my sale had I been a distributor. Ha! 

 

So he bought the challenge and another for someone else to do with him because it is easier (and more fun) to do it with others. 

That other person backed out last minute. 

So, the Sunday before he was to start I volunteered as tribute.

He was likely as shocked as I was, but I wanted him to do well and I honestly knew he need that extra encouragement. 

So we did it. Together. I was only a few days into my cleanse and I signed up to be a distributor.

I saw the difference. I felt the difference and I decided I ultimately wanted to do one thing. Help people feel better about themselves by getting healthy. Or giving them energy. Or maximizing their workouts. Yes, the business part is fun and I'm still learning but it's a new endeavor I am excited about it! (Read: I have a bachelors in Economics and Finance. That's my jam.) 

I see the results my friends are having and I'm like a mother hen beaming with pride when I check in and they tell me how good they feel or the pounds they've lost. 

That alone makes it worth it to me. 

So if you are curious about AdvoCare and the posts I make, just ask. Asking never hurt anyone. And ultimately, I want to help you. 

That time I got my wisdom teeth removed

I'm certain my wisdom teeth came in during college. 

They never bothered me. I just happened to notice them once and then every dentist appointment after that I was asked if they were bothersome. They never were so we just monitored them. 

Then I got pregnant with Claire and those SOBs hurt. Well one did. My bottom left. It was painful. It bled. I had a lot of pressure in my head. Once I had Claire it eased up and was only sporadic. 

Then, I went to the dentist office last fall and he said it was time to get them out. 

If you're wondering if I freaked out, I did. 

But, I put my big girl panties on and I made the appointment. 

I went to the consultation and honestly felt like I didn't get near as much info as I needed. I needed step by step of what was happening as opposed to oh here's your teeth and this is the day they will come out. 

It was scheduled three weeks out and of course I got all panicky about it. 

My appointment was on a Monday in January. I got the stomach bug so I called Friday morning and cancelled. I've never been so lucky to have the stomach bug.

I finally rescheduled over a month later. When I called on a Monday they told me they had an opening the following Monday. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you honestly think I would jump right on that? They must not know me well. I said no, too soon.  We settled for the next next Monday which was earlier this week. 

I had serious anxiety about it all. I did the most logical thing and did extensive research about it all. Googled had me convinced I was making the worst decision ever. 

I agreed. 

The funny thing is I was most nervous about being put under. I've never had any type of surgery so I was freaking out. 

My biggest fear? Not waking up. 

I had convinced myself I could tolerate the pain. 

But choosing to be put under left me scared. 

When I arrived for the appointment I had a nervous stomach and tears in my eyes. I kept telling Ryan to tell the kids I loved them and he kept saying you can when you're finished.

Such an optimistic. 

When they called me back I went into silent mode. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be friendly. I just wanted someone to silently know I was struggling for reassurance and for them to tell me all was okay. 

They got me in the chair and I checked the clock. 8:10. This was it. Before I knew it they stuck a mask on my nose and I began breathing the gas. I noticed myself calming down but then realized I was and began wondering if I needed to breathe through my mouth to stop inhaling it. I didn't want to feel calm. Then I wanted to ask what if I was breathing through my mouth during surgery what would happen. They started the IV and  then I wanted to ask... 

Then I woke up in recovery. With Ryan. 

And I swear two seconds had passed. 

Then I asked to see my teeth because that's logical right?

She was nice enough to retrieve them for me as I decided she was sweet enough that she and the whole office deserved cupcakes. However, I was sad because I knew today was Monday and the cupcakes place was closed. Travesty. 

I got in the car and text my mom. It was 8:42. Ryan took me to get a milkshake and then home. I know we went and saw my mom at her office but I'm not sure why. 

The rest of the morning is a little bit of a blur. I do know I was so thankful that Ryan moved the recline to the living room where I was laid up with gauze in my mouth. I was very desirable at this moment in my life. 

I did survive and it wasn't nearly as horrible as I expected. The Vicodin made me throw up. Twice. But, they called in medicine for that and I was set. I'm 3 days post surgery and feeling ok. I think my mouth is more sore than in pain and I'm just so ready for real food. Pudding, yogurt, applesauce, and mashed potatoes get old quick. 

I should also note how absolutely disgusting the holes in your mouth are. All 4 of my teeth came out. Although, I argued with Ryan that they only took out the bottom. Why would they do that knowing all 4 needed to?? Well, all 4 did. I was wrong. And high. 

Back to the holes. Y'all. Seriously. HOLES.  No one prepared me for that. I don't know what I really expected but certainly not that. And rinsing them out. Dear Lord. I wasn't ready for the junk that comes out. I hope I get more used to it because right now it just makes me queasy. 

Phew. Im happy it's over. I'm ready to be fully recovered and to have no pain or pressure in my head anymore!